If Tomorrow Came
by MichaellaLoe
Summary: Post Hot and Bothered: Andy tries to sort things out between her and Sam while still trying to make things work with Luke. But, when she gets caught up in a hostage situation alone, she'll have to make it out alive before she can try and fix everything.
1. Back to Normal

Hello everyone! This is my first Rookie Blue fanfic. And it's my first fanfic in months. It's strange and exciting. I'm trying to get back into my writing mode or what I like to call my writing fingers.

I did want this chapter to be a bit longer, but I also need it posted today because I know if I watch tomorrow's episode, it'll mess with the entire beginning. Not so much the story, but starting it off is always the hardest part. I pull references from the 2 little snippets that are going to be in tomorrows episode Honor Roll (The scene where Sam's staring at Andy from down the hall and "It was what it was." scene... which drives me absolutely insane).

Anyways! I do not own Rookie Blue! I am just a humble and proud Canadian lover of it. None of it is mine.

Hope you enjoy!

* * *

Everything was back to normal. At least, it would be... Maybe.

"Agoraphobia. It's no laughing matter. But Traci, it was amazing. Well, you would know. But Andy, it was-... it was beautiful." Dov's eyes lit up as he sighed.

Traci and I exchanged wide eyed expressions.

"Don't be getting all mushy on us now, Officer Epstein," Traci joked.

"I'm not! But seriously, who would have thought something crazy like that would ever happen to me?" Dov asked in wonder. Traci scoffed and countered with, "Who would have ever thought something like that would ever happen to _Gail?_"

I laughed along with Traci. "Yeah. How'd she manage to get through that?" Gail was probably one of the last people anyone would want present during their delivery. Let alone one in their own house with only cops to assist. Dov's eyebrows rose matter-of-factly.

"She wasn't that bad actually. Well...," he trailed off in consideration. "_Well..._," he continued, thinking better of whatever was on his mind before.

Suddenly, his thoughtful expression became stern and solid, his relaxed posture, poised.

"Either something really depressing just happened behind me or Swarek is staring you down hardcore, McNally," Dov stated, barely moving his lips in an attempt to hide the fact he was talking to me.

I had a bad feeling, and I wanted to resist turning around. I knew I would regret it, yet I still turned slowly and cautiously towards him. At the end of the hall he stood there, not in uniform as Dov, Traci and I were, a hidden expression of brokenness etched on his face. It didn't take a genius to know I had ripped his heart out in the midst of my confusion.

'_Or maybe you just _wish _you had torn his heart out._'

The last thing I wanted to do was hurt him in any way.

_'But you would like to know it effected him too._'

He continued watching me, standing still, staring at me like...

"Parade, everyone?" Chris asked, thankfully but also sadly pulling my attention away from Sam.

"Uh... yeah," I replied half-heartedly. Chris eyed both Traci and Dov in silence. He then exhaled very loudly and very awkwardly. I saw Traci raise an eyebrow at him. I looked behind me to find that Sam had disappeared, probably to the locker room. I considered following him.

_'The locker room is _not _the place you want to be talking to him about last week._'

I turned back to Chris, Dov, and Traci. "Let's go," I said in a dull, flat voice, and I lead the way to the Parade Room.

I tried to pay more attention to what Oliver was saying, but my mind kept slipping back to Sam. My mind had been running wild ever since that day. As if I weren't being driven mad enough by the fact that I had shot and killed someone, going to my training officer's house and almost sleeping with him had done nothing to solve the problem. That wasn't 100% true though. In the short few moments, the moments when nothing was going through my mind but Sam, everything seemed resolved. His lips pressing against my face, my lips, and my neck. His hands running up and down my body. Everything was-

"McNally, you're with Swarek," Oliver called. I snapped out of my reverie, realizing I had missed the entire parade, and focused on what he had just said to me. '_Swarek... I was paired with Sam. An entire day with Sam... Oh god._'

"And Diaz, you'll be with me. Epstein and Peck, you two are stuck in the barn," Oliver finished up. "Alright everyone! Protect, Serve, and get out of here." Oliver waved everyone away.

I stood up quickly. Sam had already left the Parade Room, so I ran out after him.

Sam was nowhere in sight, so I leaned against the wall. I'd see him eventually. '_We have to talk eventually._' Not that I really knew what to say. '_Just tell him the truth. Just tell him why you ran,_' I thought to myself. I wasn't even sure I knew the reason. '_You ran because you were scared. As usual. You're too scared to trust anyone._' It was true. I had extreme trust issues, particularly with guys. But deep down, I knew the problem wasn't that I didn't trust Sam - I trusted him with my life.

...Just not with my heart.

The part that worried me the most was that it took Luke's phone call to fully break me out of my trance. Sam was not the person I should have been with. '_Why did I even go to him in the first place?'_

_'Because he _genuinely_ cares,'_ the other voice in my head countered.

I had to admit, I had hoped Luke would care a little more than he appeared to, but it's not like he didn't care at all. He cared. '_Just maybe not enough for you._'

I looked up from the floor to see Sam approaching me. I unhitched myself from the wall and uncrossed my arms, cutting him off in the hallway. His eyebrows raised attentively, and I struggled for the right thing to say.

"Sam-, Sir," I corrected. I shook my head slightly, trying to get the right words to fall into place in my mind. "Uh... About before..."

He raised his hand to stop me. "Don't worry about it, McNally."

"How can I not worry about it?" I asked with a tint of anger and a frown on my face.

Sam sighed. "Look, it was what it was," he said venially. This wasn't going as I had hoped it would. Though I didn't really know what to expect. I never really knew what to expect from Sam. '_At least, he isn't rubbing it in your face..._' He tried to pass me, so I cut him off again.

"What do you mean, 'it was what it was?'" I asked. The expression set on his face was hard to read. He opened his mouth to speak but was cut off by someone calling my name.

"Andy!"

I turned around and Saw Luke coming up to us. My head whipped back to Sam. I could feel a trace amount of water filling my eyes. His lips twitched up slightly in a pathetic attempt at a smile which dissolved quickly. He nodded and brushed past me down the hall.

"Andy. Hey, how are you?" Luke asked, placing a hand on my shoulder. I turn to face him, head hanging slightly.

"I'm fine," I lied before I could even really consider the question. I stared past Luke to watch Sam turn the corner and disappear.

"Did you hear about the case? One of the families gave a huge thanks to us for catching the guy. You did it Andy McNally," he told me happily. I straightened up feeling like the world just shattered around me. '_This. I left Sam and ruined our relationship... for this?_'

"You're kidding me, right?" I asked in a very serious tone.

"What's wrong?" Luke asked innocently.

I shook my head, fighting the tears again. The hurt I was feeling was written all over my face. "Andy?" Luke asked gently. He raised his hand to my face which I backed away from. At that moment, I didn't want him touching me. After being frozen in place, I gave a resentful laugh and wandered away. There was no place I was actually going, but I wanted to be away from him. After walking around, I ran into Dov walking towards the front desk.

"Another day with Swarek, huh?"

I scoffed. "Yeah...great. And I can't even find him."

"He seemed pissed off too. You know, more pissed off than usual." Dov laughed as he sat down at one of the chairs behind the desk. Even in my horrible situation, I did not envy him having to spend the day with Gail. "I didn't even think that was-" Dov suddenly looked down at piece of paper sitting on the desk. "Best of luck to you," he said shortly. I raised an eyebrow in confusion.

"McNally!"

I pivoted towards Sam who was finally in uniform. "Sir," I replied. He stopped in front of me and paused briefly. Another officer approached the both of us who I had only seen a few times before. He was older than me, probably even older than Sam, and had a very unimpressed expression.

"McNally, this is Officer Banks. He's going to be your T.O. for the day," Sam said monotonously. My eyes darted between him and Banks. My day was going from bad to worse to...whatever followed worse.

"But- I-... Okay," I surrendered with a small, disappointed nod.

"Okay, McNally, is it?" Banks asked. I nodded without taking my eyes off Sam. He was frozen staring back at me, only his chest rose up and down slightly. "Well, lets go," he said, and he started leading me towards the squad cars. He then spurted out useless rules and reminders that I either already knew or didn't care about. I lingered behind, eyes locked with Sam's, until I sighed and followed after Officer Banks, trying to ignore my shame.

_'Maybe everything _isn't_ back to normal...'_

* * *

Oi! Andy is not having a good day. Now worries though, it gets worse. But then it gets better. But then it gets worse. But in theory, it'll all be well..

Anyways, I really hope you guys liked it. It'll improve once the concept of action comes into play. Let me know what you think about it, if you want me to incorporate anything, if it something about it didn't make sense, etc. Thank you all for reading all the way down to this last bit.

**RxR,**  
**MichaellaLoe**


	2. Assessing the Situation

Hi guys!

Warning... this chapter... ugh. That is all. Let me just say, suspension of disbelief. Onto the reviews:

_**Cythera. of. Naxen**_: Thank you! Yeah, it's always been a problem with me. Seeing things the way they are, whether its an episode of a sequel in a movie or book or something, makes me always feel like it's wrong. I don't know why, it's fanfiction so in theory it can't really be wrong. But since I was throwing in small parts from episode 8, I knew it would totally mess me up if I watched it first! Even after watching it, I feel like Sam is portrayed the wrong way. Gahh! Thanks for reviewing.

_**samcamstargate1**_: Thank you very much. Glad you're excited!

_**Sophia22**_: Ah! Thank you so very much! Getting reviews like yours are _always_ important to me. Keeping everyone in character was always a problem for me, and I really did put effort into trying to keep them realistic to who they really are. Thanks!

_**ghrocks07**_: Wow, thank you. I will try my best to update frequently and not leave months in between chapters. I'm hoping, because there aren't a whole bunch of chapters (At least... I think), that it will be finished before the end of summer or just after. PS: Reviews will get me updating fast... (Looks around mischieviously) Not that I'm hinting at anything... Hahaha. Thanks for reviewing!

_**Jess**_: Thank you so much!

_**topdog19**_: Haha not going to lie, that was my full intention. I knew going into it I was going to separate the two. I wanted to get Andy's emotional issues down and put first mainly as a reminder and a lead in to the action. This chapter isn't the action heavy one, but it does start to unravle all the different parts of the action side. Thank you for reviewing!

_**nightfog**_: Awww yay! That was also my goal. I did try and make it like what I imagine the episode would be like. Ball park obviously because I was way off, but still.. generally close. I'm glad to hear it had somewhat of an emotional response to it (My personal goal in life is to make someone cry in one of my stories... meaning I have to stop writing somewhat comical stuff). I'm glad you're intrigued and I hope you remain so and keep reading! Thank you for your review!

_**RookieGinge**_: Hahah! Thank you very much.

_**. x .imagine. x .**_: I'm glad you hear you enjoyed it! Thank you for reviewing!

**Taylor-Cullen-Black-Swan**: Awesome : ) Hahaha, thanks for reviewing!

**books-n-cookie**: Thank you very, very much. I'm glad you like it so far, and I hope you keep on enjoying it

Thank you all for reviewing/alerting/favoriting. I was literally mind blown by the response I got. I believe I got a favorite within 10 minutes after posting it. It was absolutely shocking and it really made me so happy. And it really inspires me to write. Especially with things like this chapter, I've been struggling with it because it hasn't been sitting right with me, but I really wanted to get it out there for you guys. Thank you all and I really hope you like it!

**Disclaimer**: Same as before, I do not own Rookie Blue!

* * *

It was going to be a very horrible day. I was already having a very horrible day, and I found it getting worse every minute. I was stuck doing patrol with some inconsiderate asshole while my mind was flooded with Sam and Luke. '_Okay... maybe inconsiderate asshole is a little too far, but still, I got treated with more respect on my first day - the day I completely blew Sam's 8 month long cover by busting him for _fleeing the scene _and_ possession_ two weeks before he was going to make one of the biggest busts in the city_._ And all I've done so far was suggested where we could go... It's going to be a long, long day._' Banks was probably one of the worst people ever to be stuck with.

'_If Sam's out to get me, this is low,_' I fumed to myself.

Staring out the window was going to be the main attraction of today. Officer Banks was far from entertaining, there was nothing else to distract my mind with, and if anything could pull me away from the thoughts in my mind for even a brief moment, I would be satisfied with just that.

"So are you the one dating Callaghan?"

_'Great! Things really can't get worse can they?'_ At this point, I was praying for something to happen. A B&E. A noise complaint, even. Anything would do. A small part of me wanted to deny being in a relationship with him mostly because it really didn't feel like much of a relationship. And if it was one, it was a really, really cruddy one.

"Sort of, I guess." 'That_ was a _great_ answer, Andy._' I knew with an answer like that, follow up questions would be asked. I also knew that I really didn't want to answer questions about my "relationship" with Luke.

"Sort of?"

_'I knew it...,' _I groaned internally. "Uhm, Sir, I don't know that this is really... appropriate, I guess." I knew it was a pathetic excuse to back out of the conversation, but Officer Banks, a man I didn't know at all, was _not_ the person I wanted to talk to.

About anything.

"You a guesser, Officer McNally?"

I frowned at his remark. From what I could tell, this man had the sympathy of a cluster bomb. "I just-"

I got cut off by the radio announcing report of gunshots. Whether it was legit or not would be a different matter, but for the mean time I was thankful of an interruption of any type.

By 4 o'clock, we had made many stops at many places around the city. Useless stops. While they proved to be petty problems, they managed to provide enough distraction to somehow get through most of the day. But once things picked up, they always slowed down. So I sat in shotgun waiting for something else to happen.

"We've got a robbery at the bank on 3819 Sullivan street, East of Spadina street. Two armed suspects."

Instinctively, I reached for the radio. Banks shoved my hand aside and picked it up. "This is 1508, we're on our way." He set the radio down and turned to me.

"We have an armed robbery at a bank meaning there will be people in there. Our main goal is to get everyone out safe. Follow my lead, do not do anything unless I tell you to. You watch my back and _do not_ say anything. You leave the talking to me." I nodded. He was being an ass about it, but armed robbery was a big deal. People's lives were in danger and my feelings were very insignificant at the moment.

We arrived at the bank before anyone else did. I hurriedly got out of the car with my weapon drawn. Through the glass door I could see one man at the counter, clearly threatening the clerk. The other robber was not insight which worried me. Banks got to the door first, ripped the door open and took aim at the man.

"Police! Don't move! Hands in the air!"

Banks slowly inched closer to the counter while I went closer to the group of at least 10 people gathered into the corner, petrified. I kept my aim on the man at the counter until another tall man walked into the main area.

"Whoa!"

"Police! Don't move. Put your hands up," I yelled. He lazily raised his hands in the air. "On the ground," I commanded.

The man dropped to his knees slowly. Gun still pointed at him, I walked closer and reached for my handcuffs with my left hand. It still took me a while to get the man cuffed, but once his hands were restrained, he was lying on the ground on his stomach as I patted him down. "He's clean." Banks had already done the same. I walked over to the group of people.

"Is everyone alright?"

Behind me I could hear Banks radioing, "This is 1508, the two suspects have been apprehended."

"Hey, boys! Get your asses out here! _With the heat_," the guy Bank's was dragging away yelled.

Sam had tried to convince me that I needed to learn to listen to and trust my gut. I liked to believe I did so the night I went to his house, but that almost put me in a worse situation. I had learnt that my gut and I don't really get along. But this time I could feel the overwhelming unease; something was very wrong. I whipped around about to draw my gun until I saw them. Five massive, muscular men poured into the room armed with guns. I noticed one of them had a fair sized machine gun. They pointed their guns at Officer Banks and me. _'Oh god, we're going to die_.' I looked over at the people huddled into the corner; some of them were dazed, as if this was all a dream, some of them were crying, but all of them seemed physically okay. For now at least.

"This is 1508, we need backup," Banks yelled hurriedly into the radio. The man with the machine gun fired repeated at Banks.

"No!" I yelled and watched him fall, hitting his head on the counter, and he descended to the floor. I started towards him until the five men all turned towards me with their guns.

"Don't move," one of them said.

"Okay," I said nodding slightly. From what I could tell, the vest had absorbed the bullets. I doubted Banks was actually bleeding from any bullets.I assessed the situation in my head: '_There are more than 10 hostages, some of which are children, I'm at gun point without my own gun drawn, my partner is down._ _From what I can tell, the vest absorbed the bullets so he's probably not bleeding from any bullets. But my TO is unconscious and I'm alone.__ I'm not going to make it out alive._'

"Drop the gun," one of them yelled.

I said a short 'okay' and slowly bent down, putting the gun onto the ground. I raised my hands while trying to figure out what to do.

"Dispatch sending backup."

I looked over at my radio. The man with a glock walked up to me and raised the weapon to my face.

"Call them off." After having no instant reaction to his words, he shoved the cold metal against my forehead causing me to press my eyes shut and stifle a cry of fear. "_Call them off!_"

"Okay! Okay." I reached over and pressed the button. "McNally, here. 1508. Disregard backup, disregard backup."

The man stared at me expectantly. There was no response from dispatch for a moment. A moment that I swore would be my last. I watched the man's finger slip towards the trigger in ultimate slow motion.

"Got it, Disregard backup."

* * *

I have nothing to say about this. I'm kind of upset with myself - it's definitely not my favorite. I _hate_ action because, as you can tell, I'm not that great at it. I also have low suspension of disbelief when it comes to action things like this so I have to sit there and think about whether or not its too stupid or unreasonable. And let's face it; I have no idea how the police force works! Not a single clue! But I have been watching the show 'Cops' as a sad attempt of study. (Also, do you know how creepy I feel when I google things such as 'glock' and types of machine guns... Creepy! The things I do for better word choices!)

Anyways, thank you again for the reviews/alerts/favorites (_Favorites!_ After 1 chapter! Holy shizzz! You guys are awesome.) I'm interested to see how many of you continue to stick around. I'd LOVE to have you!

**RxR  
MichaellaLoe**


	3. Sinking Feeling and Fireworks

Hello there!

Okay this chapter may get a wee bit confusing. I mean, after you read a line or two, it's obvious whose point of view you switched to, but to clarify it basically starts with Sam's point of view then goes to Andy's.

Also, there's a guest appearance! Can you spot him/her?

Thank you to: **samcamstargate1, . x .imagine. x ., oceangirl101, Cythera. of. Naxen, Loveuforevermyflame, flirtt., hannah-jennifer, Taylor-Cullen-Black-Swan, nightfog, RookieGinge, Whitters, everyone who alerted, and everyone who favorited! You all rock ma soxx!**

**Disclaimer:**** Same shebang was it was before, is now, and forever shall be - I do not own Rookie Blue.**

* * *

I reached for my fourth cup of coffee so far. Its effects were already making themselves clearly know; my hand jittered as I flipped through the pages of an old report. Deskwork was not what I wanted to be doing today.

'_Well, that's your own damn fault, Swarek_.'

I still couldn't fully understand what had possessed me to ask another officer, Kevin Banks no less, to switch patrolling with Andy for me so I could do desk work. It was a complete lose-lose situation.

'_Fear_.'

I laughed bitterly at myself, picked up the cup, and drank the last of its content. It was true; I had no idea what I was supposed to say to her now or even how to act around her. And that truly did scare me.

'_You're pathetic_.' I leaned back in the chair and tossed the cup, watching it sail through the air, and I grinned when it landed perfectly in the trashcan. '_Pathetic…_'

"Hey! Nice shot, Sammy. Wanna hit up an accident?" Noelle asked as she approached me. I sat properly in my chair and leaned forward with anticipation. "It's pretty major and we could always use officers. Besides, you could probably use a break from pushing papers." Frankly, anything at that point in time would be better than paperwork.

"Uh. Yeah. Yeah, I'll help out. Where is it?"

"Queen and University." I grimaced at the location - that was a very, very busy intersection. Noelle nodded in agreement. I stood up from my desk, basking in the glory of standing.

"I'll just be a minute," I told her.

"I'll meet you at the cars."

We parted ways, and I went to retrieve my belt and vest. My mind went blank in the process, not really focusing on any specific thing which I was perfectly okay with. It was a relieving break and something that didn't occur as much as I needed it to. Ever since Andy busted me, things were spinning out of control more and more everyday. A blank mind was a welcomed guest. As I approached the scene of the accident, my mind became one-tracked. There were a few fender-benders, one car was crushed in the front, and the last car was on its side. I parked the car, flicked the siren off and got out.

I walked up to Officer Stryker and asked, "Any fatalities?"

"The driver in the Toyota was DOA, the passengers are still fighting. And the guy in the flipped Neon is still alive but unconscious. They're struggling to get him out right now."

I nodded in understanding and walked up to Noelle. Hurriedly, she said as she put on a pair of gloves, "Stryker's going to move the cars to make a barricade. Can you go do traffic control? I'm going to try and help get this last victim out of the car." With that, she ran off, not waiting for a reply. Not that she really needed to anyways.

Hopping into action, I turned back to the car I had arrived in, opened the trunk, and pulled out the highlighter yellow vest. Traffic control in most cases was fairly mindless, but at an intersection like this it would probably still end up being a little hectic. As I started direction traffic, it slowly became somewhat therapeutic. Before I knew it, the entire scene was being cleared; the ambulances had all disappeared, the cars were being towed off, and cop cars were slowly disappearing one by one.

Oliver approached me slowly, solemnly. "That'll do, Sammy. Nice work."

I observed him silently. Something had clearly shaken him up and hit close to home. I nodded with a trace of a smile and asked, "How are the victims?"

As we headed towards our cars, I started removing the yellow vest. "2 fatalities. A middle-aged woman, late twenties, and an older man."

"Any children?" Oliver gravely nodded. _'That explains it..._,' I thought. "How bad?" I didn't really want to ask the question, but it had to be asked.

"He's in serious condition but stable. There was just one, thankfully. But I'm supposed to head to the hospital and try and get a statement from the other passenger who made it through. Could you do me a favor? Can you take Diaz for me?"

I looked to the right to see Diaz leaning against the car. He looked anxious while Oliver seemed stiff and in a stupor. There was undoubtedly an unspoken tension between them, and Oliver would already have a hard time at the hospital. The least I could do was lighten his load. "Of course," I said with a nod. As we got nearer to the cars, I yelled out, "Diaz! You're with me. Let's go."

Chris jumped from his position against the car and started towards me.

"Hey, thanks pal," Oliver said, and then he headed to his own car. Once Chris got in the car, we drove off back to the station. It was utterly silent which was fine by me. With the other rookies, a light conversation would be okay. With Andy it was natural, with Nash it was fine, hell even with Epstein, though the conversation would typically revolve around some stupid cop show, things were fine. Peck...well, with Peck if you had a case to talk about, it's all you would ever really need to get through a car ride with her. But something didn't quite click with Diaz.

"This is McNally. 1508. Disregard backup. Disregard backup."

My mind snapped from whatever rambling state it was previously in, and I tuned in instantly at the sound of her voice. Her panicked and ragged voice. She sounded out of breath which concerned me. She was never a good liar – concealing the tone in her voice was no different. After dispatch replied to Andy, calling off all backup, I reached for my radio. The sinking feeling in my gut was strong, stronger than usual. Though if I got a bad feeling when I thought Andy was involved, everything tended to increase by the tenfold. She could make me feel more than I thought possible. Another thing that scared me.

"McNally, what's your 20?"

Chris looked over at me in confusion. "Sir?" I wasn't paying attention to him though - I was waiting for Andy to reply.

No response.

"_McNally!_ What's your 20?" I emphasized every word. If she wasn't responding, something was very wrong.

* * *

"McNally, what's your 20?"

I suddenly felt a sparkle of hope at his voice. '_Sam.__.. That is Sam, right?_' The five guys looked at me, probably noticing my sudden change in expression.

"Uncuff them both," the man with the gun still to my face said. I nodded and slowly reached into the pocket on my belt and pulled out the key.

"_McNally! _What's your 20?" Any doubt in my mind that it wasn't Sam had completed rescinded. Pulses of joy went through me. At this point, he was really my only chance at getting out of here._ Everyone's_ only chance.

"Look, I'll negotiate. What do you want? Just the money?"

The man pulled himself up off the ground. After dusting himself off, he stepped closer to me. "Aw, look. Pumpkin here wants to negotiate. Cute." He then pushed me away, grabbed the gun from the man beside him and pointed it to me.

"Viper, maybe she's right? I mean… what if the cops come? Maybe we could use her to get out of here. If they don't come, we can kill her then. All of 'em."

I felt nauseous when "Viper" grinned at me. "Excellent idea. Pinky, Raven! Go to the truck and get the _crown_ for our princess, here." The two men beside him ran off to the back and out of sight, laughing as they disappeared.

"Please, can I just check on my partner? Please." The man thought about it for a moment. "I'm not going to try to escape, I'm not going to go anywhere. I just need to make sure he's okay," I said with my hands in the air. With the gun still pointed at me, he cocked his head in Banks' direction. I nodded and slowly walked towards the counter. When I reached Banks, I bent down and kneeled beside him. I could tell he was breathing, but I had no idea how to tell how long he would be out for. I stood back up, not knowing what I could do to help Banks at the moment. When I turned around, Viper was staring at me with a deadly intent.

"Just get the money, let everyone go, and you can be on your way."

He smiled at me with crooked yellow teeth - it made my stomach churn. The two guys returned with a large, grey vest with tin containers strapped to it. As they walked closer, the label on the containers become more visible.

_C4_

"Do'ya like fireworks, princess?"

_

* * *

_Aaaaand SCENE! I'm sorry but the next chapter is probably going to be fairly short. I just wanted to end this here because it was a good ending, and I wanted to start working on the next chapter of Turning of the Tides. The next chapter will just be Sam, and it'll be the last chapter of this whole buildup process. It'll be onto the scary, actiony, intense stuff that... I really struggle writing. Woo!

Also, on a side note.. Viper, _Pinky_... and _Raven_? Ahaha! Honestly, I know Viper was the name of the club in Honor Roll. Pinky I got from Push. And Raven is... random.

I hope you all enjoyed reading it! Let me know what you think.

**RxR  
MichaellaLoe**


	4. The Vault and 1508

Oh. My. God! I am _**so**_ pathetically sorry.

I spent basically the last 2 weeks of summer WITHOUT a computer and then school happened. And, initially, I had the idea that grade twelve would be an at easy year. Yeah... I can't even EXPLAIN how wrong I was. Thank god I was basically finished this chapter earlier. But now updates are going to be so rare. AP English is killing me. But you don't care, so I'll stop blabbing and continued onto the disclaimer.

**Disclaimer: I do not own Rookie Blue**

* * *

_He smiled at me with crooked yellow teeth. The two guys returned with a large, grey vest with tin containers strapped to it. As they walked closer, the label on the containers become more visible._

C4

_"Do'ya like fireworks, princess?"_

My blood instantly ran cold when I made the realization. Sure, I had imagined many possible scenarios that would occur in my life, and as a cop, it was a long list. But never had I even fathomed being the only cop in a hostage situation with a bomb strapped to me. Especially in my rookie years.

I was pulled out of my stupor when I heard a shrill cry of terror escape from one of the women huddled in the corner.

"Shut up!" Viper yelled, pointing his gun in the general vicinity of the other hostages. Everyone gasped and backed further into the wall. With Pinky and Raven at my side, Viper turned towards us again then yelled, "What the hell are you bozos waiting for? Put the damn thing on her. Heaven almighty..."

Pinky and Raven instantly did as they were told, grabbing my arms and shoving me every which way. The acid in my stomach seemed to be eating away at itself when I felt the vest press against my body. The weight of the vest itself filled me with terror. Once the two had finished the job, they stepped away and admired their work. Viper grinned his disgusting and vile grin and reached into his pocket to pull out what looked like a a larger version of a metal cased lighter.

"All I have to do is press a button and your guts will be splattered all over these walls," he said with a laugh because, clearly to him, this was the funniest thing ever. His psychotic laughter made me even more terrified, and a whimper escaped from me.

He laughed harder.

_'He wouldn't hesitate for a second to push that button._'

I tried to force myself to think rationally and ignore the horror I was feeling.

'_Okay, McNally. As far as you can tell, this bomb is legit. Unless you have solid, solid, _solid_ proof to believe otherwise, you will act like it is legit. Clearly, there's enough C4 to kill everybody in this room, the trigger probably works within a certain distance. No matter what, keep everyone else safe. Meaning, step 1: give them the money_.'

"Listen, if I get you the money, will you let everyone go?" Making deals with crooks was probably one of the most stupid ideas I'd ever had, but my options were next to non-existent. There was nothing else for me to do.

He walked up to me with a pathetic swagger, gun dangling in his hand.

"Maybe. It depends what kind of mood I'm in, and I'm a very moody person," he said while raising the gun up and holding it dangerously close to my face. I bit my tongue knowing that it wouldn't stifle my quiet whimpering, my tears, or the fateful thoughts running through my head.

"You'll get the money, and everyone will go free, unharmed."

He winked at me and laughed again. "Fine by me, buttercup." His hot, repugnant breath danced across my face causing me to turn away in order to breathe.

'_Okay, McNally. You need to focus. You need to control the situation. Starting now._'

"Okay, who here can open the vault?"

* * *

"Sir?" Diaz asked again.

I ignored him and instead pulled out my phone while driving down the road like a maniac. Sure, I had no idea where I was going - it was simply the frustration and worry that had me speeding. I dialed Andy's number.

"_Hey, you've reach An-_"

I pressed the end button without a thought then dialed Bank's phone, crushing the numbers roughly while doing so. The second I heard his voice mail, I slammed my phone shut and growled in frustration.

"Sir? What's going on?"

Diaz was definitely testing my nerves. "1508. Do you know where they were?" I asked him.

Chris looked at me like a deer in the headlights. I sighed and opened my phone again to call someone who may know of Andy's whereabouts. Maybe Noelle or Oliver would be able to recall something of Andy or Banks.

"They were at a bank. But it was a while ago. They said they caught the guys, I remember. Oliver and I were responding; they called for backup. And we started going there, but they said to disregard and that they caught the two guys," he reported, sounding like a little kid in school reciting a memorized poem.

"Which? Which bank were they at?"

Chris hesitated, forcing himself to remember. "It was... the one on... Spadina? Spadina and... No, East of Spadina. Sullivan. It was on Sullivan street."

I pressed harder on the gas. "Nice work, Diaz. Flick the lights."

Chris whipped his head back to me, stunned. "What? Under what cause? Sir, what's going on?"

I groaned, getting extremely fed up with Chris' needing to follow the manual, and flicked the lights myself. I sat in silence and considered not even replying to him. Most of my attention was on the road; some jackasses didn't know how to pull over when a cop car was behind them with sirens and lights, and it was pissing me off more than I already was. My thoughts returned back to Chris' question.

"Diaz, you are my partner. Meaning you're going to back me up. We turned the lights on because we may have officers in distress. Are you going to back me up?"

"Of course, sir," Chris said somewhat stiffly.

I said nothing else and returned my attention to the road. As we flew down the streets, I tried to relieve my stomach of the twisted feeling. I put logic and reason to the test, praying there was some justifiable reason Andy, and Banks for that matter, weren't responding. Most of my logic didn't end well for either of them. As we turned down Sullivan street and drove further, a distinctively somewhat sloppily parked car grabbed my attention. I quickly pulled up behind the cop car and got out. I ran past the drivers side, and in the process confirmed that it was in fact 1508.

Diaz got out of the car and followed behind me. I raised my hand and signaled him to hang back as I slowly approached the window. Cautiously, I peeked in. In a brief second, I took in everything in sight that I could.

"Oh, Jesus."

"What?" Chris asked as he slowly shuffled towards me.

"Get back!" I snapped at him, emphasizing each word. I pulled out my phone again and ducked out of sight from the window. "Hey, Jerry. I'm with Diaz at 3819 Sullivan street. There was a report of armed robbery, McNally and Banks were the first to respond. They're hostages. Send the ETF. And make sure they bring the bomb squad." I hung up the phone and looked over at Diaz who wore a blatant look of sheer horror.

'_God damn it, McNally._' As we waited for backup to arrive, I prayed to every god in existence that she would get through this.

* * *

Sorry it's so short! I have the next chapter written but I'm not gonna lie I probably won't post it until I have time to write the chapter following it.

Please let me know what you think, what can be improved, mistakes, etc., etc.

**RxR  
MichaellaLoe**


	5. Priorities and ETF

Hello, hello, hello!

I want to thank everybody for their patience. School. School is a disastrous thing! I better get this done before second semester because if I don't then things are going to take FOREVER to be updated! Luckily though, I'm pretty sure I should be. So yeah, next chapter. I hope you all enjoy it!

Thank you to: **nightfog, hanneh-jennifer, aolande1, sloancharity, Jess, stewart14, Heartie, Hope06, coffeelover328, , curlgurl54, and everyone who favorited/alerted. **

I think I've edited this. And I'm not going to lie, I don't really want to double check. Kindly point out any mistakes if you catch them and I will fix em up.

**Disclaimer: I do not own Rookie Blue**

* * *

Everyone's eyes settled on me with unease. They all probably thought I was insane, and I wasn't one to disagree with them on that point. But when none of them made a single movement in response to my question, Viper took a step towards me, and I started getting more nervous. "I need someone to get the money. Who works here? It's the only way to get everyone out, okay? These guys aren't going to let us go unless they have all the money."

A man dressed nicely in work clothes, which now seemed blatantly obvious, stood up slowly with his hands raised. "I can get it." He weaved through the huddle of people towards me. I opened my mouth to speak but stopped when I heard my phone ringing. All eyes rested on me again.

"You gonna answer that?"

"You going to you let me?" I inquired somewhat honestly. _'Stop being snappy, McNally. All he has to do is press a button and you're done._' I waited for the ringing to stop as much as I wanted to answer it. I prayed it was Sam. '_Maybe he knows something's off. Maybe he'll find me... God I hope he finds me.'_ Viper laughed at my retaliation and then looked at the man.

"Let's get this done." He raised his gun and pointed it at the man. I stepped in front of him, cutting off Vipers line of fire, and said, "Put it down. I'm coming with. No one gets hurt, and we all go our own ways."

"Ha! Nice try, pumpkin." Viper reached out and grasped my arm in a very bruise-worthy vice. He pushed me off to the side and readjusted his gun at the man again. "Come on, Mr. Fancypants. Pinky, keep little miss princess here. We're almost done here, boys." He stared at the banker and said, "Walk." I watched them wander off to only God knows where.

"If anything happens to him, our deal is off!" I was so not in the place to highlight deal breakers, but I did not want anyone to die because I stupidly made a deal with criminals. I turned back to the group of people sitting on the floor. "Everything's going to be alright."

I noticed little boy no older than 5 crying in his mothers arms. I swallowed guiltily. There were three more children, and as I observed their innocent, tear stained faces, something snapped inside me. I whirled towards Pinky. It was then I noticed that only Pinky was left in the room. Apparently it took more than one person to get the money. Part of my mind went haywire, fearing for the banker. But I wanted to try and get this done first.

I slowly walked up to Pinky. Bewildered by my movement, he raised his .22 snub nose at me cautiously. Even if I were to get shot now, it wouldn't even be a quick death. I shivered and pushed the thought from my mind. I took one last step towards him and wondered if he was really going to pull the trigger. Maybe he didn't really want me for leverage. Maybe he just wanted to gun me down himself. Clearly, I was losing the fight to the horrific images in my head.

After we stared at each other some more, I finally spoke. "You're getting your money. Now it's your turn."

"What?"

"I need to know your in this deal as much as I am. You're getting the money right now. Now you need to do something for me in return. A sign of good will." This good either go exactly how I was hoping it would... or it could go exactly how I prayed it wouldn't go. His eyes narrowed at me while he considered the thought.

"What is it?"

* * *

I dashed back to the car, away from the window, and thought. My hands went to my head as a muttered, "Damn it, damn it, damn it. Damn it!"

After looking up from the ground, I found Chris, still frozen in his spot, staring at me. "Sir?"

I beckoned him over with my hand. "Get away from the window." Chris did as told and parked himself next to me. He continued to watch me wordlessly. "Sir?" he asked again.

"We have to wait here, Diaz. There's nothing we can do right now."

"About what, sir? You haven't told me anything about what's going on!" His voice was transitioning into a frustrated yell. I raised a hand to shut him up and eyed him carefully. Another thought suddenly came to me, so I opened the back door and shuffled through the bag to retrieve the police tape.

"Banks and McNally are being held hostage in the bank. I haven't been able to reach either of them. When I looked in Banks was nowhere in sight, and McNally had a vest with a hell of a lot of C4 strapped on it. We can't do anything about it - we're just metro. Hostage situations are the ETF's job, not ours. So we wait for them to get here."

Chris' face paled slightly. "Emergency Task Force." I nodded and continued. "But that doesn't mean we can't do _anything_." I handed him the tape which he took with numb hands. "Diaz, if you can't do it, just say so now. I can block the place off myself."

Chris shook his head 'no.' "I can do it, sir."

"Good."

* * *

"Let the four children go. That's all I'm asking. Just let them go and then we can work from there."

Pinky laughed and lowered his gun. "You've gotta be fucking with me. Do you understand the concept of hostages?"

'_Damn it, McNally! Think!_' My eyes darted around almost as rapidly as my mind was. "Look, you've got me, okay? You don't need 4 children in here. You'll have all your money in a few minutes. Just let them go. Please. Or... or our deal is off, and I'll make sure none of you get out of here," I threatened. It was a pure bluff, and I'm sure he knew that. He laughed at me again.

"Oh, you're cute."

I stepped closer to him and put on the best sad face I could. It wasn't that I was deeply worried for these children - I _needed_ them out of there. Deep down I knew that. But I had reached a point where the current situation seemed almost unreal, like my perceptions were fried, and all I could really feel was a gaping blankness. Everything else was forced.

"Have a heart. They're just children. Do you have children?"

He shook his head. My plan to use the "Would-You-Want-That-For-Your-Children" tactic instantly blew up in my face. So I switched to the "If" game instead. "If you had children, would you want them getting caught in this crossfire? Just let them go, please. I won't be a hassle anymore after that. You let them leave this building and I'm all yours."

He scoffed and raised his gun up, not at me, but just to remind me of who was in control of the situation. "You're already ours. You've got a _bomb_ strapped to you, in case you've forgotten, little lady."

I panicked and tried to think of a logical piece of backup. "True, but here's the thing. You can't press that button until you're gone."

He shrugged. "Then I'll just shoot you."

_'Fuck..._' " You can't do that. Report of gun shots - Police will arrive instantly. We always hang around this area. It's a constant danger zone. Police will be here long before all of you have time to get your money and get out of here." '_Damn it, McNally! You're basically _asking_ him to shoot you. Shut up right now. Stop talking._' My mouth was apparently possessed at the moment as my mind flashed back to what Oliver had told me the day at the Rec center. "And once you kill a cop, you're done for. I want to get out of here unscathed just as much as you do. If you let the four of them go, I promise to keep our deal. You _will _get out of here." '_Hopefully in a body bag..._'

"If I let them go will you _shut up_?"

I raised my hands up, surrendering. It was not the direction I had planned this to go, but if my annoyance was his biggest issue, I would work with it."If that's what you want, I'll do it. Whatever it is. Just let them go." '_Please, please, please, please.'_

He lowered his gun and waved me away. "Fine. Whatever."

* * *

I could feel my head throbbing endlessly. My eyes were getting a sore of their own from merely watching Diaz pace beside me as we waited for everyone else to get here. The wait was just as horrible as knowing that Andy was stuck in there alone only a button's press away from death. And she wasn't the only one that close to death either.

A pile of squad cars from 15 started pulling up. Jerry instantly bolted out of the car, yelled at everyone to secure the perimeter, and walked up to me. "How bad is it?"

"Diaz said Banks and McNally responded to a robbery, said they got the two guys, called off backup. When I looked in-"

"Whoa, whoa. _McNally_ is in there?" I nodded solemnly. Jerry stifled a minuscule sarcastic laugh, as if finding the statement an absurd joke. "We've got a _rookie_ in there?" he yelled.

I nodded again. "It's worse."

"How could it get any worse?" Jerry snapped.

"When I looked in, Banks was nowhere in sight, I only saw one of the guys in there, he had a gun, and...," I trailed off, not wanting to finish. Jerry looked at me impatiently. A thought suddenly dawned on him.

"Sammy." There was a vast amount of caution in his voice. "Why did we need to call the bomb squad?"

"McNally had a vest."

Jerry cursed loudly and marched away in fury but quickly walked back towards me. "So, we've possibly got an officer down and a rookie hooked up to a bomb? Jesus Christ, Sammy." My frustration and worry was seamlessly turning into anger and rage as I soaked in Jerry's words. It seemed too real when someone else said it. I nodded at him and turned towards the car. Jerry called my name, probably foreseeing exactly what I was on the verge of doing, but he wasn't fast enough. I kicked the side of the squad car, delivering a nice, large dent.

"Is McNally doing the talking?"

I smothered my face with my right hand, frustration returning. "I don't know."

"God, she's a rook, Sammy."

"I know!" I yelled after wheeling to face him again.

A large suburban with "POLICE" written over the side turned the corner. The ETF officers suddenly poured from the vehicle all in unison, sticking to each other's strides. Officer Martin walked up to Jerry and questioned, "What's the situation?"

Jerry rubbed his temples and said, "Uh... They reported a robbery, two officers responded, apparently got the two guys, called off backup. We may have an officer down, we know they're armed, and we've got an officer with a bomb strapped to her." The other agents, who had secretly put themselves behind their leader, listened intently.

"But, uh, Sean, we've- our officer... she's a rook."

Sean snapped into action, whipping around to the other officers and started making a speech. "Alright, we've got an armed robbery. We may have an officer down and another officer with a bomb meaning we need to work fast and decisively. Now, they want that money." Sean continued to bark out orders, squads, exits, but I stopped paying attention. My focus was on the window that I desperately wanted to walk up to, just to make sure Andy was still alright.

"_Sam!_" Jerry yelled. I stared back at him with a similar look of anxiety.

"I'm fine. Let's just get them out of there."

* * *

It took me a moment to comprehend his words, but when they finally sunk in, I dashed over to the group of people huddled tightly into the corner. They all backed away from me, squishing against each other. I couldn't really blame them either. I stepped away slightly but bent down and said, "I'm going to get these kids out of here, okay?"

There was a mother with a boy and a girl, a father with a daughter, and another mother with a daughter. I reached out my hand to the closest girl.

"Okay Theresa, you take that officer's hand, okay? She's going to take you somewhere safer and I'll meet up with you later," the mother said soothingly. For her and her daughter's sake - hell, for everyone's sake - I hoped so.

The girl took my hand, and I helped her stand up and weave through the group of people until she was directly in front of me. The other parents started saying the same thing to their kids, sending them towards me. I looked over at the door and saw a man in a grey suit with a black vest dash by the window, barely noticeable. Spinning back to Theresa, I took a deep, shaky breath, realizing I was about to try and pull a fairly crazy stunt.

I hoped I saw what I thought I did...

I looked behind me to see Pinky staring off impatiently, sending only quick glances in my direction. I turned back to Theresa who was now joined by another girl. As I reached as stealthily as I could into my right pant pocket, I asked, "What's your name, sweetie?"

She sniffled a bit and said, "Katie."

"Katie. That's a nice name." I tried to force my voice to sound legit and real and hide the distraction. I pulled out my paper pad and pen, turned away from Pinky a little bit more, and started writing furiously.

_I'm OK. Banks is unconscious but alive. I've got a bomb vest._

The boy and girl, hand in hand, walked up to me, joining Katie and Theresa.

"What about you two? Who are you?"

The boy, who was clearly older, was the one to reply. "I'm Thomas and this is my little sister Bridget."

_12 hostages left. 7 robbers. Armed._ "Alright, enough with the name game! Let's get a move on already," snapped Pinky.

I folded the piece of paper and tried to cover the noise with my voice by saying, "Hi Thomas and Bridget. I'm going to get you two, Katie and Theresa out of here." I wrote a messy _'Swarek_' on the top of the folded piece of paper. I started herding them towards the door, but stopped them just in front of the door.

"Okay, Thomas. You're the oldest here, so I need you to do something for me, okay?" Thomas nodded. I whispered as quietly as I could, "Give this to an officer." I stuck the piece of paper in his left pocket, the one furthest away from Pinky's line of vision. "Make sure your sister, Theresa and Katie don't wander off, okay? Stick together," I said loudly, trying to cover up my secret.

Thomas nodded and took hold of his sisters hand again. A few feet from the first set of doors, I watched Thomas struggled to pull it open. Once the other girls helped pull, they opened the door wide enough for each of them to step out one at a time and vanish around the corner.

I turned back to Pinky with a grateful look on my face even though I doubted he would give a shit. "Thank you."

He reached toward his gun threateningly and said, "Whatever, just get back over here." We all jumped when the bank's phone suddenly starting ringing loudly though the tense silence. "Hey, boss!"

Viper appeared instantly and paced up to me.

"You may want to answer that. It's probably the outside force. They'll follow through on the negotiation."

He glared at me, and it send chills down my spine. Nevertheless, he eventually advanced towards one of the phones and leisurely picked it up.

"Hello?"

* * *

I leaned my back against one of the cars, fuming. The logic part of my brain knew it made complete sense to leave the entire situation to the ETF and leave basically all of 15 out of it, particularly me. Jerry was more than right when he said I would blow up if I got in there. I knew I would. Hell, I wanted to. But the rest of my brain wanted to strangle logic and beat it to the ground. Andy was in there, possibly alone. And I was outside...

With Epstein, no less.

He was standing awkwardly close to me and bouncing around anxiously.

"Sir, who is in there? Is it Traci? God, don't let it be Traci."

I turned to put a hand on his shoulder. I had been instructed not to discuss it with the rest of 15, mostly the other rookies. The less the rest of us knew, the less we would try and do and, in theory, the less we would interfere.

"I'm sorry, kid."

An expression of pure horrid tainted his face. "It is Traci?"

I knew both of our thoughts went to little Leo, and I couldn't help myself. "No. No, it's not Traci. She's fine."

Dov sighed in relief, running a hand over his face to wipe away the perspiration that had formed. His head turned every which way then settled back on me. "Oh god. It's Andy, isn't it?"

My jaw clenched, and I forced myself to walk away.

"Sir!"

"Epstein, you don't tell anyone. You don't try and do anything. This situation isn't in our hands."

"Sir, if any one of us rookies are likely to get out of this situation, it would be Andy."

I shook my head in silence and approached Jerry who was currently on the phone. He hung up and turned to me. "Just filled Boyko in. He's not impressed. God, I can't believe this." I nodded in agreement. "I'm sorry, Sammy."

I glared at him. My past situation with Andy was not a situation that I wanted to be touched in any way at the moment.

"What the?"

I followed Jerry's gaze to find the two ETF officers on each side of the front doors pulling 4 children away from the entrance. They were quickly handed off to other officers, and they started briefing each of them. I turned back to Jerry who had a very shocked expression on his face. "Gotta hand it to McNally. She knows her priorities." I nodded and a ghost of a grin graced my lips. "Let's just hope it didn't cost anything."

Officer Thomas tapped my shoulder gently. "Officer Swarek. One of the kids handed this to me."

'_That's McNally's handwriting._'

Jerry peered over my shoulder as I unfolded it and read it out loud. "I'm OK. Banks is unconscious but alive. I've got a bomb vest. 12 hostages left. 7 robbers. Armed." Jerry tore the note from my hand and returned it back to Officer Thomas.

"Update everyone. Sorry, Sammy, we've got to. At least now we know exactly what the situation is. We know that she's okay. Sean's about to get on the phone." Jerry patted my shoulder then walked off. With my fists clenched, I marched back over to the car Epstein was still standing by. He watched me in silence, and it was then that I noticed, for perhaps the first time ever, he seemed genuinely scared and confused.

"There's absolutely nothing we can do?"

"No."

"Can't they just run in and shoot them?"

"No, Dov."

"Can't _we_ just run in there and shoot them?"

"_Epstein_!"

He cursed then headed over in Chris' direction. And for a brief moment, I felt bad for him. This was not what Dov Epstein had in mind when he joined the academy. This was not what _I_ had in mind when I got assigned a rookie. I thought back to the minute before Andy busted down that damned door. That was not what I had in mind when I entered that building. Or left it. This was not what I had in mind when I got Banks to take McNally for the day.

I turned around and slammed my palm against the car. _'I should be in there with her._'

I looked up from the ground to find Oliver watching me intently. I tried to calm my suddenly ragged breath and watched him back. "Don't, Just...don't."

"Sammy," he started slowly.

"I know!"

His arms uncrossed and dropped inelegantly to the side. "Officer Martin's on the phone right now. Just so you know."

I nodded and heatedly stalked off to find Jerry and Officer Martin leaving Oliver, no doubt, staring after me.

"Let's do it," I could hear Jerry say anxiously. "Sammy!"

I approached him sadly and hesitantly, scared for what was about to occur. Jerry stared at me questioningly, and I said nothing to him. I couldn't my mind from drifting to Andy as Officer Martin started talking to whoever that sick bastard was keeping all those hostages in there. Strapping a bomb to Andy. I was sure that the moment ETF got him out of the building, I would happily pop him a few with my glock. I wouldn't kill him, unless something happened to Andy. If anything happened to her, his blood would inevitably spill.

"Sammy, snap out of it," Jerry murmured to me.

"Hello? Hello? Hey, let's just talk about this for a minute... Hello?" Jerry and I silently listened in on the conversation. Sean paused and carefully took in every word the bastard was saying. "You know what, I'll see what I can do. Can I talk to the officer in there, please?" My slouched and weary stance suddenly straightened and I stepped towards Sean who raised his hand to stop me from moving. Jerry's arm outstretched, holding me back.

"Sam, don't. Let him do his job."

I threw his arm down and turned away from them, fighting off the urge to rip the phone from Sean's fingers. I whipped back around and stepped closer to him again. Jerry once again held me back. "I just want to hear, please... Please?"

Jerry dropped his arms, and we both inched closer to Sean as we listened in.

"Officer McNally, I'm Officer Martin, ETF. Is anyone hurt?" We waited, hearing nothing. Sean shook his head 'no' to convey her response. "Okay, just keep answering yes or no. Are you in the main area?" I stepped closer to the phone, and in the silence around us, I could hear a faint 'yes' that made my heart leap in hope.

"Are all seven of them in there with you?" Once again I could barely hear her reply. "No, they're-" A man suddenly cut her off and started barking demands at Sean. And then one of the things that I never wanted to hear in my life pierced my ears, and, despite the distance between me and the phone, her bloodcurling scream was clear as day.

"No, no, no! No! Please, God no! _No!_"

* * *

_"Hello?"_

"Yeah, who's this?"

_"This is Officer Martin from the ETF."_

"Yeah, this is me not giving a fuck."

I watched as he started slamming the phone down and felt my dangling hope start to fade fast. "You don't want to do that," I blurted at top speed.

He laughed slightly. It drowned out the officers voice coming from the phone calling to Viper. I shook my head 'no', not really knowing what else to say. Viper raised the phone back to his ear and said, "I want a safe exit, me and my crew. Then maybe you can all your civilians here. I may keep your officer though. Kinda cute." I twitched, feeling the acid rising to my throat. I looked over at the hostages. They all seemed exhausted yet on edge and hyperaware at the same time. I forced myself to try and think of another plan to get some people out.

_"You know what, I'll see what I can do. Can I talk to the officer in there, please?"_

I felt a spark within me again. "No."

_"Please? It'll make it easier for us to get you out of there._"

Viper set the phone roughly on the counter and marched over to me. He tore at my wrist and dragged me over to the counter. After shoving me against the counter, he warned me, "Any funny business and you're going to regret it." He reached into his pocket and pull out the detonator. "Keep in mind what you've got attached to you."

I nodded and gingerly picked up the phone. "This is Officer McNally."

"_Officer McNally, I'm Officer Martin, ETF. Is anyone hurt?"_

"No, everyone's okay."

_"Okay, good. We got your note, we know what's going on. All those kids are safe thanks to you. Is that man there with you right now?_"

"Yes."

_"Okay, just keep answering yes or no. Are you in the main area?_"

"Yes."

_"Are all seven of them in there with you?_"

"No, they're-"

Viper grabbed my arm again and shoved me to the ground. I struggled to pick myself up off the ground, feeling exhausted myself. I got myself onto my knees, and noticed the most peculiar thing. Terror ripped through my stomach painfully as I watched everyone's eyes widen and listened to them gasp.

"I want us out of here. You better got on that officer. Quickly."

I whirled around and was instantly face to face with the barrel of his gun again. I could hear myself screeching, pleading for him to not kill me as a coldness spread throughout my entire body. Vaguely, I could hear the gasps behind me, and I felt the tears starting to stream down my face with a mere sting that I was becoming too numb to feel. He held out the phone, as if to show off the current scene to Officer Martin, and pulled the hammer of the gun back. Then, as if in the last possible moment, his gun shifted to the left. And even though I know it was going to happen, I screamed psychotically and flinched. The force of the bullet pushed me backwards even more, and I fell onto the floor, drowning in pain.

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Thank you to everyone who has reviewed for this story so far. Thank you to you (yes you) for reading and I hope that you will always review. Review is love! Love is patient, love is kind. Love is the driving force of me getting the next chapter up.

**RxR  
MichaellaLoe**


	6. Clear

Apologies to you all!

AP English took over my entire life and will probably continue to do so all year. But I will try and make a better effort at fitting in writing time. Sorry about that! Also Thank god for Flashpoint because I used it to write this chapter. Essentially. Also, if it appears jumbled and out of control I purposefully wrote it that way. It's a wee bit short. It's a weak chapter but it'll have to do. My bad!

Warning: Vulgar language, as expected I'm sure.

Thank you to everyone who has read/favorited/reviewed. I feel like such a let down to those who wanted an update soon. Sorry! Please accept my viral apology hug... And this chapter.

**Disclaimer: Do not own it.**

**

* * *

**There was a paradoxical rush of everything and nothingness in one instant moment. That one instant moment consisting of nothing but a scream and a bang.

After Office Martin barked into his headpiece, "Team Alpha, hold your positions. All other units move in," all the ETF officers appeared to be moving at the slowest pace possible.

But I didn't care about them.

Andy was in that bank, injured - I refused to accept even the slightest possibility that she was dead. The bastard that did it was going down no matter what, and I wanted it to be at my hand with my gun.

Nothing felt real anymore, dreamlike. Words were no longer making sense. Everything was a jumble of noises and actions and thoughts. The scuffling of the ETF and the sudden rounds of gunshots shook me out of my trance. I snapped and tore my gun out of it's holster and began to stalk off towards the front entrance.

"Sam! _Do not _go in there!" It was a demand coming from Jerry and one I was going to disobey.

"Sam," Oliver coaxed as I started to push past him.

The moment I brushed by him, his hand wrapped around my left wrist and his other hand grasped my shoulder. He shoved me closer to the street and slammed my body against the nearest squad car with a shocking impact. Then I understood. I fought against him in resistance the best I could, having dropped my gun and both hands pinned behind my back. Jerry rushed over to hold me down. Within seconds, Oliver was slapping the handcuffs on me, and then he gripped my arm tightly.

"I'm sorry buddy, but if you go in there, it'll only make things worse."

"You can't honestly be handcuffing me right now, Ollie."

Face pressed against the car, the thought of Andy lying on the ground, gaping bullet hole in her chest, her brown eyes robbed of their vivaciousness, surrounded in a puddle of her own blood, invaded my mind. '_Stop!'_

_'Maybe they didn't shoot her.' _

_'Maybe they shot someone else.'_

_ 'Maybe he missed her.'_

_'Maybe she's got a bullet in her head because _I'm not there_.'_

My own head throbbed at the instant wave of guilt, fear, and anger, and the sick feeling that I was so acutely aware of before returned. I continued struggling against Oliver, though there was nothing for me to do in handcuffs. Then Jerry and Officer Martin, speaking quickly into his headset, approached us.

"Team Alpha, is Officer McNally visible?"

We quietly waited for a response. The answer to this question would be a strong, albeit the only, indicator of her current state. _'Please. Come on, Andy.'_

"Negative, Sir."

_'__Fuck!'_ A new sense of panic flooded through me again.

Sean sighed and asked, "How many subjects in the front?"

"Two. Both armed. Hold on boss, one's leaving towards the back area. We're looking at one man."

Sean squinted as he concocted a plan in his mind. "Alpha, continue holding your positions. You watch that guy. He moves to threaten _anyone_ you take him down. _Only _if he makes a move."

After staring at me perplexedly for a moment, he said, "They're going in from the back. We've got 3 down so far. One we know is in the front keeping guard."

I opened my mouth to speak, but was cut off by him.

"We're watching him every moment. No one else is going to get hurt today. We're hoping to surround him from the front and back."

"We have two officers down in there! One is shot. A young rookie is shot, do you get that?" I blew up in his face. The verbal abuse I was directing at Sean was clearly something he put up with everyday.

"Yes, Sam I do get that. However, there are many more daughters, sons, mothers, fathers, husbands, girlfriends, and boyfriends in there. And I'm sorry to say this, but we need to focus on the big picture. If we rush in there now, more people are going to get hurt and that is the last thing we need right now!"

"Boss, Ally's on the phone. She's got a background check on our main man," another office said shyly upon approaching. They both marched off towards their vans.

"Fuck's sake. Can I please be uncuffed?" I snapped, sick of feeling like a criminal. At a later time, I would owe it to Oliver for handcuffing me, but at the moment it was nothing more than another piss off. They also weren't helping my already overwhelming sense of helplessness.

Oliver reached for the key and replied, "If you make any brash movement towards that door, Sam, they're back on."

I nodded and tried to soothe the inflammation in my wrists after they were released. My body and mind were increasingly weary from the escalating and deescalating emotions coursing through me. Another short round of stifled gun shots resounded, too quiet to be anywhere near the front, I noted. After those brief seconds, the silence was back and filling the air. The only sounds were the wind hitting the police tape, the gossiping of the people watching from behind the police tape, and the low murmuring and lively buzzing of the countless officers surrounding the perimeter. Both Diaz and Epstein walked up to Jerry, Oliver, and I.

"What's going on? Are they almost done?"

"Is Andy okay?" Dov's and Chris' impatience was wearing my own patience thin, but I couldn't blame them.

"Guys, we don't know yet. As far as we can tell..." Jerry trailed off as Officer Martin rushed towards the front door, gun raised, with three men and a woman rushing behind him.

"Move! Move! Move!"

_'No.'_ I knew something was going terribly wrong. Even more wrong. Chaos. Everyone was spinning out of control.

_'Why is this happening?'_ We all exchanged horrified looks and waited for the seemingly inevitable rain shower of gunshots.

Bang.

Silence.

"One shot? Why was there only one shot? What's going on?" Dov yelled, voicing everyone's mutual thoughts. He was paler than usual - the entire situation was taking a toll on him. As much as he wanted to be where the action is, it was obvious it wasn't like he had so frequently imagined.

"Epstein, calm down."

"What are they doing in there?" Chris followed ensued.

Another car from the station pulled up as everyone continued yelling at each other. Gail, Noelle, and Boyko jumped out of the car and ran over.

"Last day as Staff Sergeant and one of my rookies is a hostage in a bank with a bomb. How the hell did the situation occur?" He asked furiously and frustratedly. He looked pointedly at me.

"I wasn't there."

"Wait, who's in there?" Gail inquired.

His pointed look became blank, utterly ignoring Gail's question. "_What do you mean you weren't there_?"

"I mean _I wasn't there_."

Oliver intervened by saying, "Sammy switched off with Banks. He knows just as much as we do... But we have the- where's the? We got a note-..." He trailed off as he turned to Jerry.

"The note. We got. From... The note."

In sudden comprehension, Jerry instantly fished around his pockets and pulled out Andy's note.

"When all the kids came out, one of them handed it to one of the ETF officers. Gave it to-" Jerry's eyes flashed over to me then back. "... us."

Boyko read the note quickly. I hoped he would ignore the fact my name was on it. At least just for now. I watched the three other rookies break off and talk within their own worried group. My head continued throbbing; there was too much going on and too little to do for me to handle.

"She could have gotten herself killed doing this." He pocketed the note and marched towards the area where the ETF were stationed.

_'If she's not already dead.'_ My rampant mind went off.

"Clear, clear, clear!"

The medics instantly rushed into the bank. I began moving forward again, but Jerry stopped me. "Let them do their job, Sam. For god's sake. If you were trying to neutralize some crazy gunman, and a random man rushed in because his girlfriend was in the same building, it would piss you off, wouldn't it?"

"Traci, we don't know. Clear. They just yelled clear... I don't know," Dov replied through the phone.

"Don't let her leave the station," Jerry snapped at Dov while pointing a finger at him before walking off towards other ETF officers. Dov nodded and continued talking to Traci. Many people were gathering around now, observing.

"I can't decide if I want them all dead or in jail for the rest of their lives," Chris muttered to Gail.

"We're going to need some body bags in here," a young officer told one of the medics.

I broke out in a sudden cold sweat. Oliver and I stared, watching the petrified, the shaking, the weeping, the anxious, and the shocked hostages exit one by one in a line. They were directed over to the number of ambulances and medics. None of them seemed to have any physical damage done to them, however, their mental health would be a vastly different story.

Jerry approached us, phone to his ear, and said calmly, "They're thinking a fractured collar bone. Some minor bleeding. She's fine, Sam."

"She's still got a bomb on her! That's not fine!"

My yelling caused a few people, including the other rookies, around us to stare in shock and bewilderment. Gail raised an inquiring eyebrow. I was sure that in a few weeks when the entire circumstance was nothing but a memory, she would take my exaggerated reactions as evidence of an underlying relationship with Andy - which apparently she had been doing frequently. But that wasn't the point. It was a price I would willingly pay if it meant Andy would come out alive and okay.

"Update me when they're done," he said into the phone. "They're about to disable it right now."

Everyone was bolting around, yelling commands and responses. The hostages were complete messes. One woman found her child standing with an officer, and they reunited tearily. They were all trying to get as far away from the building as possible. Two ETF officers walked around back of the building with a shaken man dressed in a work suit.

I watched two paramedics rushed in and within moments returned, supporting a now conscious Banks. He was put into an ambulance and rushed from the scene.

Officer Martin was the next person to walk out of the building. He was speaking into his headpiece when he reached us.

"They're disabling the bomb now. Physically, she's seems good. She wasn't hit anywhere else. Her one hit wasn't bleeding too bad. I've got to hand it to her, for a rook cop, she did a good job."

I rubbed my hands over my face. _'It's almost over. This chaos is almost done._' The tension filled the quiet air as we waited in anticipation. Sean's somewhat relaxed position stiffened as he listened.

"Got it. She's clear. Nice work, you two. Sending the paramedics in now."

_'Clear. Clear. Clear. Clear. Safe. Alive.'_

"Clear? Did he say clear?" Dov asked loudly, rushing back over with Gail and Chris behind him.

"Yeah, she's clear," Jerry said gently.

"Yes!" Dov doubled over, fists clenched, in relief. "Yes! Yes! Thank god! I knew it! I knew she'd be okay. She's okay, right? She's not critically hurt is she?"

"Broken collarbone."

"Yes, that's not bad! Thank god! I've got to call Traci."

"Got it," Chris said, already having his phone out and started dialing Traci's number.

I stood in the same place, paralyzed as Jerry and Sean continued talking and Oliver began taking statements. I had consigned into uselessness a long time ago.

"She's going to be okay," Noelle said as she gripped my shoulder. I nodded and watched her rush past and follow Oliver's movements. My head was still throbbing, worse than before if possible.

And then the three of them came out.

* * *

God, it's all so muddled at the end! But that was the whole point. It kind of reflects what the situation would really be like. Like almost all my chapters I just wanted to be done with it. Hahahah - that right there is the mantra of a high school student. Next chapter will be better.

The next chapter is nearly finished, I'm just waiting on the reviewwws. So do that please, if you could spare the few seconds it would take it would be GREATLY appreciated.

**RxR  
MichaellaLoe  
**


	7. As If Tomorrow Came

Hello all!

I have a few pointless questions.

1 - Has anyone watched Wide Awake starring Missy Peregrym and Anthony Lemke(Who is VERY attractive)?  
2 - Does anyone wonder what would happen if Andy hadn't pulled the trigger fast enough in Hot and Bothered? Has that been written on this site before? If so, let me know - I want to read it.  
3 - Does anyone wonder what's happening in one of the photos from the episode In Blue. It's of Andy, Sam, and Jerry. And Andy is laughing and her hand is on, whom I'm 90% sure is, Sam's thigh. I want to know the backstory. Has that been written on this site before? If so, let me know - I want to read it.  
4 - Can you spot my Dirty Harry quote?  
5 - You should review... Not a question. Just a statement.

This chapter was pretty entertaining for me. As sick and odd as it is, I thoroughly enjoyed messing around with Andy's mental and physical state. Nothing like writing about a character struggling to move and struggling to not have panic attacks (which I can tell you first hand are **no fun**!)

**Disclaimer: I do not own Rookie Blue. I'm merely a fan going through a terrible case of Rookie Blue withdrawals. The quote/lyric is from the If Tomorrow Came by Kamelot.  
**

* * *

_"I swear on my life I tried  
As if tomorrow came."_

"Is she okay?"

"Did they kill her?"

"Oh my god, we're all going to die here!"

It hurt so much to breathe.

Underneath my vests and uniform, I could faintly feel the dampness slowly spreading through my shirt. Or maybe it wasn't blood at all. Maybe it was just the cold feeling that was spreading. I remained sprawled against the equally cold floor, the screams, shouts, and murmurs of everyone in and outside of the room were piercing my seemingly plugged ears. I stared at the grey ceiling, watching the lights go in and out of focus, brighten, then darken. _'Not a good sign.'_ Viper suddenly loomed over me, cutting off the streams of light. His foot nudged my waist only to cause shoots of pain from my upper left side. My collarbone, I imagined, was definitely broken.

"I hope your cop friend understands how serious I am now," he said in a child-like voice, as if I were incapable of fully comprehending what he said.

A quiet whine escaped from my throat as I squirmed in pain and intimidation. Viper leaned down, closer to me.

"Next time, it'll either be up and to the right or five inches lower - you can choose."

I tried to calm my spastic breathing, pulling my mind from the idea of choosing a bullet to the head or heart. Each inhale and exhale hurt more and more causing me to noisily groan in pain. I focused on the less severe pain of the throbbing from my head hitting the tile and burn from my throat. It somewhat took my mind off the flaming pain below my shoulder.

"We're all going to die!"

"Shut the fuck up," Viper snapped. My eyes wrenched shut despite the small fear I had of having Viper, and his gun, out of my sight. When the wave of fear passed, I opened them again and watched him walk out of my receding tunnel vision. Then I heard a woman scream.

"Leave them alone." My attempt at an authoritative yell came out as a groggy request - like I was on a massive amount of painkillers or drunk.

Gun shots suddenly resounded from somewhere else in the building. They lasted only for a brief moment then silence. My entire upper left side was throbbing heatedly, but I could feel the pain slightly numbing. Whether that was good or not was undecided.

"I told those dumbasses _not_ to shoot him. God damn it."

_'Shit. Shit, they got him. You are one terrible excuse of a cop.'_ part of my mind refused to accept the fact that I had just let someone get killed.

"Pinky, you watch her! Don't be scared to give her another shot if she tries to play hero. Take my Magnum, it'll blow her head clean off. Can't wait." After a few seconds, his footfalls quieted as he left the area.

_'Focus, McNally. There are still other people you need to save. Keep breathing. Just keep breathing. In. Out._' I took a deep breath to suppress the pain that proved to be counterproductive. My left side spasmed, and I shrieked in sudden pain.

"Someone help her!"

A dark haired man in his mid thirties suddenly bent down beside me.

"Hey, you. Get back into the corner or you'll get a bullet too," Pink threatened as he raised his gun in the air.

"Do what he says. I'm fine," I instructed the man, eyes half-lidded. Sitting up without even moving the left side of my body was clearly impossible. The man retreated to the corner and sat himself down with the rest. I stared at them all, their composure diminishing.

"Please don't shoot me. Please, please, please, please... Please. I- I- I- I-...," one woman stuttered.

"Shut up," Pinky snapped desperately.

"Please, just let us go!"

"Keep her, and let us go."

There was a dangerous amount of discord.

It was suddenly apparent that every one of these people were more than willing to completely turn on me in order for their safety. Another woman started fishing all the money out of her purse to give Pinky. More brief shots filled the air and more screams followed. One man looked like he was ready to fight Pinky off, another woman was curled into a ball, weeping. Pandemonium was breaking out and everyone was suddenly slipping into hysterics.

"Everyone, calm down."

"I don't want to die!"

"Stop, just stop talking!" a young woman yelled.

"She's going to get us killed," another man belted.

"Hey! You need to calm down right now," I shouted, getting panicked.

Everyone started yelling at everyone else.

There was a continuing struggle in my mind to think logically, if at all.

Another set of shots. Everyone huddled closer into the corner, ducking their heads down as some sort of protection.

_'Okay, you need to get back up. You need to get control of the disaster before it gets even worse.'_ I shifted slightly and gasped again in pain. Standing up wasn't a very achievable goal either, so I remained lying on the ground, right arm and legs kicking about helplessly.

"Everyone, shut up!" Pinky yelled, flailing his gun around dangerously.

He then pointed it at one man who was yelling random profanities. Not only were the hostages losing control, the only perpetrator left in the room with a gun was starting to lose it too._ 'Bad combo.'_

"Don't think I'm afraid to shoot you."

One man suddenly started standing up, trying to dart across the room.

"Don't fucking think about it!"

"Stop! _Stop!_ Sit back down. Do not move," I yelled.

I was losing control of this entire situation and these people were suddenly extremely likely to get themselves, and probably everyone else, killed. I could feel the sweat starting to run down my face in reaction to the inclining intensity within the room and the jolting pain that I was desperately, and futilely, trying to ignore. Even raising my head too high hurt.

"Get up! Get up and do something!" One woman screeched at me desperately.

I huffed in resignation - I just wanted everything to end.

"She just got shot," another woman hissed.

"They have vests or something, don't they?" the woman yelled back.

"Stop! Just. _Stop. Talking._" Pinky yelled viciously, walking closer to the group of people.

_'They're right. Gotta get up, McNally. You've got to get up.'_

I tried shifting my right arm behind me as a support, but my left shoulder rolled forward in an automatic effort to sit up. The pain caused me to collapse back onto the ground, getting nowhere. I resorted to verbal action.

"S- Stop, stop. Just stop. Okay? Don't, don't shoot anyone. You don't need to shoot anyone. Everyone just needs to calm down. We'll all be out of here soon enough." I said assertively with my right arm in the air.

"You don't need to kill anyone."

There was an escalating sound of yelling from the back. Yelling that I could easily recognize as some sort of police force - it was instructive and brief. There was order versus the chaotic, disorganized yelling of the criminals.

"Are those the cops?" One man whispered.

Pinky pointed the gun at my head in a frenzy. "Cops? Those are cops?"

_'God, I hope so. I really want to go home. I really want to see my dad again. I really want to see Traci again. I really want to see Luke again. I really want to see Sam again. I _need_ to see Sam again.'_

_'Stop thinking about Sam!' _

_'Focus, McNally! Focus!'_

"I think she passed out!" Someone from the corner said, but I paid no attention._  
_

I noticed something in Pinky snapped at the idea of cops and all the tables were turned. I knew I had to take a completely different approach at talking to him.

"Okay, Pinky, listen to me." He started pacing distractedly in a panic. The gun in his hand was waving through the air as he walked.

"Hey! Listen to me. Those are cops back there. There are cops probably surrounding this entire building by now. You aren't going to be able to escape."

As if on some kind of cue, everyone in the corner suddenly gasped in fear. Like I was throwing them to the wolves.

"But, listen to me, okay, if you just put that gun down, if you surrender, you'll be okay. I'm willing to bet those gun shots were everyone else getting shot at because they tried to fight back. Okay? There is nothing else you can do at this point but surrender or you'll end up dead! Do you want that?"

_'Watch it, McNally. This will either end up with everyone getting killed or possibly making it out alive... Possibly. Play your cards carefully. Get in his head. Talk him out of it.'_

"N- No! No! I wanna be home."

"You want to be home? Okay, where's home, huh? You got a wife or anything?" I asked, trying to get him to talk, to bring out some kind of emotion. In my mind, if I could get him to open up and drop his weapon, everything would be okay. I'd be okay. Everyone else would be okay. They'd get to go home and be with their loved ones. They'd get one more day.

"Fiancée, yeah. Well, she would be. I couldn't afford the ring. I swore to her I wouldn't do this shit anymore. I just- I just wanted to get her a nice ring."

Instantly, the man who was so apparently dehumanized was a man I felt a deep sympathy for. I nodded, feeling terrible for the man and realizing the lengths of desperation once again. I shook my bangs out of my face and watched him intently. He was standing motionlessly, as if in a state of deep rumination. Then he began shaking violently and whimpering slightly. He was crying.

He lifted the gun to his head.

"Whoa! Hey! No! No, Pinky, no! You don't have to do that!" I blabbered frantically. Everything kept taking turns for the worst. We were far too close to getting out of this for him to take his own life. He blinked more tears out of his eyes.

"Please! Don't! Put the gun down, please! I'm _begging_ you!"

My voice wavered and I could feel desperate tears forming in my own eyes. "Please," I whispered. I tried to get myself up off the ground in the beginnings of a feeble plan to stop him. I was in a half sitting, half kneeling position when he stopped me.

"Don't! Lie down on the ground." He shouted, pointing the gun back at my face.

"Don't do this." I shook my head furiously.

I lifted my hands in the air, consigning to the fact that, physically, there would be no way for me to stop him from taking his own life. But I continued to try and talk him out of it by coaxing, "Pinky, don't- don't- don't do this. Don't do that to me. Don't do that to everyone else. Don't do that to your _fiancée_!"

I sat back down on the ground and watched him carefully, waiting for the pleas to sink in.

"I said lie down!"

Wordlessly, I lowered myself at a slow pace, but I could feel the building pressure on my shoulder as I sank lower. He watched me until my back was pressed against the hard tile and raised the gun to his head again. Abruptly, booming shouts could be heard from outside.

I prayed that someone, anyone, would use less-than-lethals, and stop this guy from killing himself, but my prayer remained unanswered.

"You don't have to do this," I said calmly, despite my out of control thoughts and breathing. My hands pressed against the cold tile in a building anxiety.

"Yes, I do!"

"No. No you don't. We'll figure this out. Everything will be okay. Don't. Don't."

"I'm so sorry," he whispered.

"No, don't! Don't! _Don't!_"

_Bang._

The gunshot was followed by countless splatters of blood, many of which descended on my face and body. My head was turned slightly to the right, eyes wrenched shut and lips pursed tightly. The sickly warm drops of blood caused me to wail and whine in discomfort and dread - dread that my life was so out of control it was a lost cause that I couldn't escape. _'Breathe! Breathe. It's just blood. It's okay. Everything's okay.'_ My loud thoughts were drowning out the screams coming from everyone else. I could feel a small drop of blood sliding from my eyebrow bone into the crevices of my eyelid. I whimpered again in disgust.

Four officers rushed in from the front: one ran over to where Banks was lying still, two ran over to the hopeful, crying group, and one kneeled beside me, adjacent to Pinky's dead body. "Officer McNally, I'm Officer Martin - I talked to you on the phone. We're going to get you and everyone else out of here. Where were you hit?"

His voice was concise and calm as he checked Pinky's pulse. It was absurdly hard to hear him clearly over my deafening exhales and gulps. Nearly a dozen more officers entered from the back entrance which gave me more time to regain composure.

"Sir, we're clear in the back." He waved them off as he examined my body in search of a hit.

Pushing through my shortness of breath I finally replied, "My shoulder, well, collarbone. I think. The vest took the bullet, but I think it's broken."

He flipped on his headset and said, "Probably. One officer, bullet to the vest. Most likely a broken collarbone."

"Sir, he's conscious and breathing. I'll get a paramedic to bring some smelling salts." I watched him leave my field of vision hurriedly. From the corner of my eye, I could see a bunch of officers escorting people out of the bank. My breathing was calming down again, as was my sudden break of hysteria. Officer Martin pressed his hand against the hole in my vest, in search of blood. A small smudge of red was left on his fingers.

"Minute bleeding - you should be okay. You weren't hit anywhere else?" I shook my head, half losing control again. "Good. We're going to get this bomb off you now, Officer McNally. Then you'll be on your way to the hospital, you just hang tight."

Somehow, I'd half forgotten that a bomb was attached to me. I broke into a small panic attack at the thought.

Officer Martin stood up and ordered the bomb squad to come in. Two men came in and awakened Banks quickly then rushed him out of the building. Another two members of the bomb squad marched up to me. They all had massive uniforms on that put the danger of the bomb that was strapped to me back into perspective.

"We can take it from here, Sir," one man said.

"Alright, you give me the clear as soon as you're finished. A lot of people are waiting for you outside, McNally. Oh, and good job - you were fantastic." I nodded in response. _'I don't want to be here.'_ I cried internally.

"McNally, is it?" The man, who I assumed was in charge, asked. His hands began wandering across my chest, looking for the weakest point of the vest. The other man was quickly unloading tools from a small box he had. I nodded while watching the both of them. "Andy."

I observed the man to my left as he examined the random wires. He gently pinched a green wire, and I stifled a gasp in response. "Oh god." My spastic breaths increased.

"Andy. Okay, I'm Trevor, he's Ben. And we are going to disable this bomb. I need you to do a few things for me though, okay?"

I was being babied through a bomb disarming, which was somewhat humiliating but entirely necessary for me. So I nodded in agreement. Trevor held out his hand across my torso and waited for Ben to place a medium sized knife gingerly in his hand.

"First of all, I _really_ need to you remain completely calm," he started. His request seemed physically impossible for one with a bomb strapped to themselves to achieve. I shook my head 'no' but took a few deep, noisy breaths. I watched him as he lean forward and gently fiddle with the wires to separate them.

"It's usually best if you don't watch. I also need you to hold still as much as possible, okay?"

"No," I said forcibly.

_'He's trained to do this; he knows what he's doing.'_

_'What if I get blown in pieces right now?'_ I panicked as my mind went back and forth._  
_

Trevor leaned forward to look at me through the visor of his massive uniform. "Come on now, Andy. You saved so many lives today, let us do this for you okay? This'll be over real quick. Just keep breathing." I let out a breath that I had unknowingly held then nodded.

"You can hold my hand," Ben said.

"Okay," I whispered hoarsely. He extended left arm to me, and I gripped his hand, the only bit of skin that was left showing in his suit.

I averted my eyes to the right, letting them land on a small plant across the room. Then they moved to the window, the sun's light shining through it.

_'I just want to go home. I just want to apologize to Luke for acting like a jerk to him lately. I just want to apologize to Sam for completely destroying our relationship. I just want another chance to make things right. I don't want to die - not yet. I can't.'_ I waited for my life to suddenly end.

"Hold this for a minute."

"You got that?"

"Okay, cut it right there."

Their conversation was much like that during an operation but a million times more risky.

I closed my eyes which caused a few tears to stream down my face.

"Clear. That's clear, boss. Okay, Officer McNally, good job. Medics will be here in a moment, and you'll go get checked out. Thank you for working so patiently with us."

Trevor started unzipping the vest with a lot of care despite the bomb being disabled while Ben returned the tools back into the box. Trevor continued pulling the front of the vest to the side when two medics came rushing in.

"Okay, guys. Watch her arm, her clavicle is fractured. Try not to move her arm," the first man said.

"I'm okay," I said, trying to sit myself up.

The second paramedic rushed up behind me and sat me up with much less pain than I would have had I sat up by myself. They worked together at removing the vest, first by slipping my right arm out then by sliding the vest off my left arm which remained in the same, limp position.

One man had my right arm around his neck as he hauled me off the ground. The man on my left was his arm around my waist, and the three of us rushed out.

The moment we stepped out of the bank, there was a completely different atmosphere.

The negative energy that was engulfing me the entire time I was in the bank had dissipated. Outside, the air was crisper, more lively, and I no longer felt enclosed by everything around me. The sun, which was just starting to turn orange, leaving a cotton candy colored sky, was stabbing my eyes with its brightness. For some reason, my legs were somewhat numb making it difficult to walk at any kind of normal pace.

There were massive groups of people detained by the yellow police tape. As I was ushered towards the ambulance, my eyes darted around frantically.

I saw Officer Martin talking to Boyko - that would be trouble. My eyes flickered to a woman, the one who suggested leaving me and letting the hostages walk, hugging her child. I found it impossible to have any hard feelings for her after that. Then I saw Detective Barber rushing around frantically. Then I caught sight of Gail's platinum blonde hair. She was staring at me, standing with Chris and Dov, who were looking in a completely different direction. I watched her mutter an 'oh my god', and jab both of them for their attention. I turned my head to watch them whirl around and stare, but, as I was dragged off by the paramedics further and further away, my upper left side throbbing in pain.

My eyes snapped to Oliver, who was taking one of what would be many statements. He looked up briefly with sympathetic sadness and watched me approach the ambulance. The man on the right removed my hand from his shoulders and angled me by the stretcher.

"Officer McNally, this is probably going to hurt like hell, I'm sorry."

_'Well... at least he was upfront about it.'_

Him and another paramedic lifted me onto the stretcher with care that proved useless because the slightest shift on the left side of my body caused me to yelp slightly in pain. Nearly everyone was staring at me now as I lied down on the stretcher. I groaned, realizing that I was going to be transported to a hospital. _'I hate hospitals._'

I noticed a man dressed in a suit, talking to an officer I couldn't quite make out. It was the one who was taken to retrieve the money with all the other criminals.

_'That just shows how much I was paying attention. Forget about the bomb, forget about the lone hostage - I'm lucky _anyone_ got out alive!'_

There was a jolt as the stretcher was lifted into the air. Once I was in the ambulance, one of the paramedics hopped into the vehicle. "Good to go," the other said as he closed the left door.

Then I saw him. He was standing with Detective Barber now, eyes piercing at me. That was when I saw Sam, the only person I really, really wanted to see at the moment. And that was when, as luck would have it, the other door of the ambulance shut with a nice, loud _slam_.

* * *

Wow... so as of now I have no idea where this story is going! Yayyyyy [sarcasm]!

Also, how terrible is it that right before they cleared the bomb I wanted to just type "BOOM" then end the story? I mean... I wouldn't. The main reason is because that would be a massive continuity issue and _that_ literally is what would bother me the most about it. Followed closely, of course, by the fact that I would be killing off the main character and piss everyone off. Close second.

Also please, please, please let me know if there are any errors/types/etc. I have no Beta (I don't even know what that means) and I really only read over it once!

**RxR  
MichaellaLoe  
**


	8. Thoughts and Feelings and Words

IT'S ALIIIIIIIVE!

So, as per usual, I'm going to start his off with an apology! I'm so sorry to all the readers who left reviews ending with 'Please update!' or 'Update soon!' I especially apologize to those who reviewed with a 'I just reread this whole story! Please update soon!' School. Always school. I'm currently in the middle of finals, but I wanted to get this chapter out for you guys and especially since season 2 - T-minus some short amount of time. Again sorry, but I do hope you enjoy.

Also, as you may have noticed (And by may, have I mean you should have obviously if you read previous chapters) that I have been alternating between just Andy's point of view and both Sam and Andy's. This chapter is in Andy's point of view and I think that the story will probably remain this way. This is, of course, if you think it should. So let me know if you want any of Sam's point of view for any chapter corresponding to Andy's POV!

**Disclaimer: Don't own it!**

* * *

After countless tests and being told that I was "Okay, considering", the doctor told me that I would have to wear a sling. I would be off work for at least 8 weeks. This was both good news and bad news.

It was good news because I would be away from both Sam and Luke.

It was bad news because I would be away from Sam.

_'Stop it! You're with Luke! Something needs to be done about the way I think...'_

My mind deviated from Sam and Luke and slings and broken bones to the bank.

_"You don't have to do this," I said calmly, despite my out of control thoughts and breathing. My hands pressed against the cold tile in a building anxiety._

_"Yes, I do!"_

_"No. No you don't. We'll figure this out. Everything will be okay. Don't. Don't."_

_"I'm so sorry," he whispered._

_"No, don't! Don't! _Don't!_"_

I shivered at the recalled feeling of warm blood across my face.

_"Uh... About before..."_

_He raised his hand to stop me. "Don't worry about it, McNally."_

_"How can I not worry about it?" I asked with a tint of anger and a frown on my face._

_Sam sighed. "Look, it was what it was."_

_'Maybe he's forgotten in all the panic and excitement._' I really didn't want to deal with our messed up relationship at the moment. Or at all. I was holding out for a miracle that it would all fix itself. At least I shouldn't have to deal with him for a while. When I got back to work, back to normal, I would continue my life happily with Luke like nothing had happened and be partnered with Sam like nothing had happened. Because _it_ didn't matter.

_It_ was completely insignificant.

I was hit hard when I realized the situation I was stuck in - the same situation I had been stuck in before. Despite everything I had been through, all the things I begged to God for in hopes for another chance, all the changes I was going to make, I found myself in the exact same spot.

My dad wasn't here. He was probably unconscious somewhere and it still made me angry and guilty at the same time.

Luke wasn't here. He was probably too busy burying his face in cold case files, probably unaware I was even in the hospital.

Sam _was_ there. He was probably ploughing through people in the attempt to get here at the moment. Or was he? Maybe I had pissed him off so much that he didn't even care anymore. Maybe I didn't even piss him off. Maybe I just hurt him so much, he didn't want to be near me.

Yet here I was.

Same person. Same mindset. Same trapped feeling.

My mind flashed back to the bank once again: the bomb, the gun in my face, Pinky ending his own life. I felt scared, sad, guilty, hurt, like a failure, even a little jealous of Pinky, though I refused to fully admit it to myself or anyone. _'Is this what survivor's guilt is like?'_

After wiping the tears that has somehow emerged beyond my notice, I turned my focus away from the depressing emotions I was experiencing.

"Officer McNally," a nurse said brightly as she came in.

"Hi," I replied hesitantly - partially because I had no idea who this nurse was, and partially because I was currently in the worst physical and emotional state I'd ever been in my life and the overwhelming brightness didn't make me feel any better. But I mentally noted that I was in no position to rain on her parade and asked, "I'm sorry, who are you?"

"Sorry. I'm Kennedy. I'm going to be your nurse for the rest of the night. Eve just finished her shift. It appears she neglected to tell you."

I shook my head slightly, only paying enough attention to catch her name. I broke from the trance I was slowly entering when she asked, "How are you feeling?"

"I've been better, but I'm doing fine." Fine. I had a feeling that word would become the most used word in my vocabulary over the next while.

"Okay. If you need anything, let me know." She started to leave the room but stopped in the threshold of the door. "Uh, sorry if this is kind of awkward, but you're the officer from the robbery attempt this afternoon, right?"

I cringed internally. Somehow the idea that people were probably still hovering around the police tape at the bank and intently watching it on tv had slipped from my mind entirely. Until now.

Instead of taking the risk of trying to form words, I nodded slightly and ignored the slight shoot of pain from my collarbone.

_'I need to stop moving. Right now.'_

"That's what I thought. I just want to say that that's so amazing. What you did. I couldn't do it, risk my life every day. You must be very happy."

Frowning slightly, I asked, "What do you mean?"

"Sorry if I said something wrong, I just, I always thought that to be content with that job, you'd have to be happy with your life. My dad used to be in the RCMP, and I would always ask him how he could stand to do it, how he could put his life constantly at risk in order to protect others. He always gave me two answers. The first was because he would want the same thing for us, for others to protect everyone, including me. The second was, if it was his time, he knew it would be for a good cause and in the attempt to help others. You know, that saying, if you died today would you be happy with the life you lived, have no regrets, etc."

I was too numb to reply. This nurse was unknowingly peering into my mind somehow and it irked me.

"I'm sorry, I was just rambling. I didn't mean to upset you, but I just wanted to say thank you on behalf of everyone. You saved a lot of lives today."

With that, she left the room leaving me completely alone in a sudden epiphany.

Was I happy?

I had told myself repeatedly I was. But that moment where my entire life was hanging by a thread, over and over again, everything became so clear; I wasn't happy.

I did need to apologize to Luke. I did need to apologize to Sam._ I still do_. But in reality, would that suddenly make everything right? Would apologizing make everything better, make my life the life I wanted? Would I be regret free after apologizing for petty things that, more likely than not, both Sam and Luke ceased caring about?

_Not at all._

'_How come now, after all that, it's suddenly so hard to do something about it. Now that I know I've got a second chance, why am I refusing to take it?'_

With these thoughts running rampant through my mind, I eventually tired myself out to the point of sleep.

* * *

When I woke up, I was extremely confused, stuck in a semi-conscious state. My eyes were glued together with dry pieces of sleep and my vision was blurry, as if I had been drinking far too much.

"Hey."

That half whispered, half spoken word, though sounding pained, snapped me awake. That was the voice I needed to hear, that I had been wanting to hear for what seemed like so long. Low with a mix of gravelly and husky.

"How are you feeling?" he asked. I quickly forced myself into a sitting position despite his protests, saying, "No, don't move." He leaned forward to try and restrict me from moving but ended up helping me sit up instead.

Then, after finding a comfortable position, I leaned back and rested my back against the giant pillows.

Sam was sitting in the wooden chair that had been, if I recall correctly, moved from it's previous spot in the corner. He leaned forward so his elbows were resting on the edge of my bed.

"You okay?" His voice was even, with no inflections. He waited silently for a response.

After mulling over the question, I nodded lightly and replied with a blunt "I'm alive."

He pursed his lips, perplexity spread across his face, and nodded back. An unease filled the room during the brief pause as we avoided eye contact. I thought about what I could say, but words failed me.

Then, brashly, I wrapped my hand around his forearm and pulled him closer. He eventually got up out of his chair and sat down on the edge of my bed with a look of confusion. Within moments of him sitting in place, I pulled him even closer and wrapped my one functional arm around his neck. Just a moment ago, this was the last possible thing I had intended on doing. If one thing was becoming clear to me, it was the fact that Sam had an ability to somehow make me avoid rational thought.

"Dear God, Andy...," he muttered quietly.

I heard it in his voice - the tension, the sadness, the worry, the stress, the hurt. It was all there. And I felt it too.

Then I knew for certain that he cared. Despite everything that had happened between us, he did care. My face was buried in his shoulder, and I could feel his breath dancing down the side of my neck. After a minute, he pulled away and lifted my chin to stare into my eyes.

_'Don't cry, Andy. Not now. Not when he's here.' _

I didn't want was to spend this time crying in front of Sam, so I dropped my eyes to hide the obvious fact that they were beginning to water.

He rested his forehead against mine, and we sat in a grievous silence. Our breaths, slowly becoming synchronized, were the only sound in the room. In the moment I felt placid and serene.

Sam delicately brushed the small hairs away from my face then preceded to gently stroke my cheek with his thumb. The closeness and the heat of our breaths induced a sudden flashback to the night of the blackout.

Just like the blackout, I could feel the heat.

Just like the blackout, I could feel the longing.

And just like the blackout, I lost control.

For some reason that I would undoubtedly regret in the future, I leaned forward, closer, and faintly brushed my lips against his. Like fuel to a fire, he reciprocated, heatedly pressing his lips against mine in a rough kiss. The gentle forcefulness of his kiss made me rock backwards and my shoulder groaned in protest. However, the sudden rush of wanting seemed to dull the pain instantaneously. Quiet, miniscule moans escaped from us as each kiss became deeper and longer.

A million thoughts raced through my mind.

_Sam._

_I almost died today._

_I almost didn't get another chance to kiss him again._

_I shouldn't be kissing him again._

_Sam._

_This probably isn't standard partner behaviour, is it?_

_This seems inappropriate for a hospital._

_Sam._

_What if Luke shows up?_

_Why would Luke show up?_

_Sam._

I could feel his increasing heartbeat thudding under the palm of my hand that rested gently on his chest. His fingers became slightly knotted in my hair. My breath was becoming more faltered, quickened and ragged, as our kisses became shorter and gentler. With each kiss, a surge of adrenaline rushed through me, a feeling only Sam could really create.

And then I realized precisely how little I had changed.

Not only had I failed at trying to get myself out of the situation I was in with Luke and Sam, I had repeated my previous mistakes. I gave up on Luke and gave into some subconscious, yet somewhat conscious, need for Sam. I also knew that within a few days, I would be finding myself stupidly at Luke's side.

In realization, I tore away from Sam and broke down, slumping into his chest.

_'Damn it! Damn it, damn it, damn it!' _

Kissing Sam, as I thought I had previously learned, only made my relationship with both him and Luke more complicated. I was already having troubles solving our current problem, doing it again would surely make it God damn near impossible.

Once was a mistake.

Twice was too far. Twice was no mistake.

I thought briefly about what possibly was going through Sam's mind, but I became too engulfed in mine. I bit my lip, trying to ignore the growing sense of shame and guilt I felt. The shame of being weak. The guilt of cheating on Luke and leading Sam on like I had been. The more I thought about it, the more the tears came. I told myself I wouldn't cry, yet here I was weeping into Sam's chest.

_'Add that to the list of failures today.' _

He didn't say anything - I think I preferred it that way. It gave me time to recompose myself.

He just rubbed my back with hand and stroke my hair with the other hand.

Within seconds, I had calmed myself down from my mini collapse. I turned my head sideways, pressing my cheek against him, half because it was more comfortable and half because it made it easier to breathe. My head rose and sank in tandem with his chest as he took in deep quick breaths. I forced myself to fully gather composure and leaned back away from him.

Refusing to look him in the eye, I stared at the rather uninteresting floor and wiped the tears from my face.

"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have done that."

He didn't reply, he just watched me. He was probably thinking the exact same thing.

"And I'm sorry about what happened the other night. During the blackout. I shouldn't have done that either."

He leaned forward and tried to get me to settle back into my bed. "Andy, it's-"

I cut him off quickly. I was on too much of a roll and too high of emotions to stop now. I continued with, "And I can't not worry about it. And I don't think everything will go back to_ normal_ because I don't even know what _normal_ is. And I don't know what you mean by 'it was what it was' because I don't know what it was. But whatever it was, but it was something."

"Andy, please. Don't worry about this today. This is the last thing that should be on your mind right now," he said, raising his hands as if trying to stop me from saying anything.

His typical response harshly struck a chord.

"Stop it! Why do you keep telling me not to worry about it? It's all I've been worrying about! It's the only thing that's been on my mind. This entire time. From the moment I found myself on your doorstep to this very moment, it's the only thing that's been on my mind. The moment I walked into that bank, you were still on my mind. When I swore to God that my life was about to end, that I was about to be blown to pieces of have my head blown off, my concern was not seeing you again. And it frustrates me every time you dismiss it like it doesn't matter," I snapped back with tears streaming down my face.

After I finished yelling, Sam sat up straight, no longer leaning towards me.

I refrained from sobbing. This day had been going from bad to worse, to the worst I could possibly imagine it. Then, right when I thought it would get better, it continued to get worse.

In the slight fit of rage I was experiencing, I asked a question that hurt to speak and would hurt even more with an answer. "Does it matter?"

He pinched the bridge of his nose and clenched his eyes shut. After a moment to clear his thoughts, he opened his mouth to speak but was interrupted by Kennedy.

"Is there a problem, Miss McNally?" she asked innocently with concern, her head popping into the room through the slightly opened door.

I gazed at her blankly and said a quiet, "No. No problem." She nodded and, in a sense of complete understanding that I was wholly thankful for, shut the door inaudibly. The silence was broken by Sam's sigh as he started, "Andy-"

"Don't feel like you need to stay here, Sam. I appreciate your visiting," I stated monotonously as I lowered myself into the bed, lying down against the pillows. Now I was being rude, but in my useless defence, I was quickly growing tired of every single thing around me at the moment.

"Are you going to let me talk?" I ceased talking and watched him carefully, waiting for him to continue. "You know that-"

The door opened once again, revealing Officer Martin with Kennedy hot on his trail. "I'm sorry! I tried to tell him that you were busy at the moment."

Sam huffed in frustration and stood up, turning himself towards Officer Martin, and marched towards him, arms crossed. "What is it?" There was a sharp edge to his voice.

"I need to talk to you, Sam." Without a word, Sam strode off with Officer Martin following after him. After they passed Kennedy, she turned to me slowly.

"Again, I'm so sorry. He said it was important," she said in a very apologetic voice.

I forced a smile and said, "It's okay. That conversation was going downhill anyways."

She smiled back at me uncomfortably; I assumed the topic was something she felt she didn't need to know about. With a short nod, she closed the door again, leaving me alone.

Within seconds of the loneliness, the sound of silence was piercing my ears. I let out a frustrated sob and buried my face in my hand. I was wrong before, I wasn't in the exact same spot as I had been before.

I was in a much worse situation.

* * *

So, as you may have noticed, this chapter is lame! Sorry about that. I felt the need to post it before Rookie Blue season 2 started or else I would feel like a complete failure. Also, this story has essentially completed the physical part of the plot - there will be no more intense action. It has moved onto the emotional retalitation and such. Hope you all are okay with that.

Please review! I would like to know that you are all still alive and well! Let me know if there are any mistakes so that I can fix them!

**RxR  
MichaellaLoe**


	9. 9 Crimes

Hey all you lovely people!

This chapter is named after Damien Rice's 9 Crimes. It provided inspiration for me. Listen to it. It is good! And if you see any mistakes please point them out to me! Also, sorry some of this story gets repetitive. This chapter isn't my favorite and Sam is slightly out of character. Out of character or **very** hard on himself (hence 9 Crimes). You pick.

Thank you to those who reviewed:

**dcj**: I completely agree with you. I give you, this chapter.  
**Cythera. of. Naxen**: Yeah, extremely rough day for her. It'll get better. And thank you. The inner struggle was what I aimed for.  
**tanyaleefr**: Thank you. I enjoy writing her outburst too.  
**sloancharity**: Done!  
**hotshorty**: Thank you! It is definitely becoming an emotion-driven story.  
**jimi18**: Stress. Denial. Fear. Mainly it's all taking a toll on her. She'll see. Soon.  
**lisbonloafers**: Welcome to the McSwarek/Sandy fanbase! Thank you for the review!  
**fluffy20456**: Here you go!  
**StolenRookie**: Extremely flattering! Thank you very much!  
**ATLjunkie**: Thanks. You know, you are your own worst critic.  
**HeyBaileyKay**: You'll see ;)  
**twotoe**: Yes, I know and I agree. I definitely focused on villanizing Andy and making her the antagonist for Sam and herself. Mainly because of the stress. Never fear, it will eventually let up!  
**CookiesN'Cream123**: Done!  
**katesari**: Thank you!

**Disclaimer: Don't own it!**

* * *

When the nurse opened the door, I was relieved to see that she was asleep. I whispered a thank you to the nurse walked further into the room when she grabbed my shoulder gently. "It's best to let her sleep right now," she whispered. I nodded in agreement and quietly continued my walk into the hospital room. It was as any typical hospital room would be - cold, white, bland, smelling of disinfectant. I turn my eyes from the walls and back onto Andy. Her head was titled to the side, and there was a slight frown on her face. As I walked closer, standing directly beside the bed, I could see a few speckles of dried blood that had evidently been missed in the clean up.

I turned around and saw a chair sitting in the corner. I picked it up as silently as I could, careful to not let the legs drag across the floor, and carried it to the bedside. After sitting down, I rested my elbows on my knees and buried my face in my hands. _'What do I say?'_ I scoffed internally. _'Where do I even begin?"_

_'I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.'_

_'I should have been in there with you.'_

_'I never should have abandoned you.'_

The span of roughly two hours it took me to get to the hospital had seemed agonizingly infinite. Yet, in spite of all the time I had to think, my mind still drew a blank on the right words.

Andy moved a little and let out a faint groan, most likely in pain. I leaned forward and said a gentle, "Hey."

Her eyes widened and she turned her face towards me. "How are you feeling?"

She instantly, and feebly, attempted to sit herself up, using only her right arm to do so.

"No, don't move." I half stood, using my hands to try and prevent her from moving. After accepting that she wasn't lying back down, I supported her back and helped her get into place. When she settled into place, I slowly returned to my chair. Through her hospital gown, I could see the bulge on her collarbone from the swelling bruise where I assumed the break occurred. My eyes went from her shoulder directly to her eyes.

"You okay?"

She paused briefly before muttering, "I'm alive."

I tried to hide my cringe by nodding and allowing my eyes to deviate elsewhere. Despite the fact that she was alive was indeed miraculous, it wasn't something I took pride in celebrating. Her life shouldn't have even been in question.

And that was on me.

I was whipped from my thoughts when her hand wrapped around my arm and tugged me, with somewhat impressive force, closer. I stood up and placed myself beside her on the bed. With another forceful tug, her arm was suddenly around my neck and her face was buried in my neck.

"Dear God, Andy...," I trailed off. I couldn't help but feel bad for her. There were a lot of things going bad for her - her father, her relationship with Luke, though she would never admit it to herself or anyone else, not that she had to, her relationship with me, the things she's experienced on this job. She's gone through more than I had in nearly all of my undercover ops combined. Not only were things getting muddled in her life, they were in turn getting muddled in mine.

_'How the hell did I end up here?'_

I wondered for the millionth time how I got from undercover to sitting beside my rookie who I undeniably, but far from admittedly, had strong feelings for.

A bolt of excitement went through me when she suddenly leaned forward. _'She's going to kiss me.'_ The rational side of me told me to make her stop, to move. Move because she was confused. Because it was unfair to her. Because it was unfair to me. Because she was my rookie. Because it was wrong. Every other part of mind and body wanted to keep going, needed to keep going. We were playing with fire. We had been since the night we were first partnered together. Ever since then, we've been cutting it close. And on the night of the blackout, it was like something ignited, and we both got burned by it - today had been proof of that. But none of that mattered to me at the moment. After fearing that I had lost her, I needed her now more than ever. So when her lips airily brushed across mine, I succumbed to the need and abandoned all self-restraint, all reason.

Without a second thought, I pressed my lips against hers forcefully and much harder than necessary.

Between the pleasurable high, there was a sense of guilt. I knew I was doing what I wasn't supposed to be, just like I had before. As her training officer, as _a_ training officer in general, it was my job to prevent this from happening, but somehow I had been doing the exact opposite - I longed for it to happen. That, in itself, was dangerous for both of our jobs yet with each passing second, I wanted more and kissed her harder.

_'She's just in distress and you're trying to help her.'_

As far as justifications went, it seemed pretty understandable. Understandable, but not justifiable. Mainly because it wasn't the truth.

Yes, she was confused.

Yes, I wanted to her help.

No, that wasn't why I was still kissing her.

And then it ended. As if she had become a completely different person, she fell into me, weeping. I didn't know why exactly she was crying, and I didn't really know how to comfort her. So I simply just wrapped my arm around her, rubbing her back as soothingly as I could. Then I sat silently, trying my best to calm her, as she cried into my chest. Within seconds, she sat back up, wiping the tears from her face. She stared at the floor, refusing to look at me.

"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have done that," she muttered.

I couldn't form a response and just stared. _'She's apologizing. Clearly she regrets this.' _In fairness, she probably should regret it. Not only should she regret it, I should regret it to. _'This is not what I do.' _Despite how ever much I despised Callaghan, I didn't want to be the guy his girlfriend was cheating with. I didn't want to be the guy anyone's girlfriend was cheating with. But was that all I was to her? Just the other guy?

"And I'm sorry about what happened the other night. During the blackout. I shouldn't have done that either."

In what probably was a subconscious attempt to ease my own pain, I interrupted her. "Andy, it's-"

"And I can't not worry about it. And I don't think everything will go back to_ normal_ because I don't even know what _normal_ is. And I don't know what you mean by 'it was what it was' because I don't know what it was. But whatever it was, it was something." I couldn't tell if she was just angry or upset or both. Either way, it was getting to her.

"Andy, please. Don't worry about this today. This is the last thing that should be on your mind right now."

"Stop it! Why do you keep telling me not to worry about it? It's all I've been worrying about! It's the only thing that's been on my mind. This entire time. From the moment I found myself on your doorstep to this very moment, it's the only thing that's been on my mind. The moment I walked into that bank, you were still on my mind. When I swore to God that my life was about to end, that I was about to be blown to pieces or have my head blown off, my concern was not seeing you again. And it frustrates me every time you dismiss it like it doesn't matter."

It was like a slap in the face, but it didn't hurt - it just made me feel absolutely sick. I imagined the possibility of a gun to her head, and the only thought running through her mind was that night. Her, showing up at my doorstep in the dark but hot night. Backing me against the wall and kissing me. Me, kissing her back. Us going much farther than I ever should have allowed yet not going far enough to please whatever greed I had. All that running through her mind in her last moment.

_'If that had been her last memory, would she have been happy or would she have died upset?'_

"Does it matter?" she asked. I froze, wrenching my eyes shut, at the very irony of the question. Does it matter? _'How could it not matter?'_ Her silence told me she was waiting for an answer. I was cut off by the door opening.

"Is there a problem, Miss McNally?" The nurse who had talked to me before peeked into the room. _'At least I know that Andy is being taken care of a by a good nurse.'_

"No. No problem." Her voice was quiet, contrasting with the tone of her voice only moments ago. Kennedy, the nurse, left quietly and I took only a brief second to continue.

"Andy-"

"Don't feel like you need to stay here, Sam. I appreciate your visiting." She had final tone in her voice as she lowered herself onto the bed. Now she was shutting me out. Possibly the worst outcome of this entire scenario. But I wasn't letting her get off that easily.

"Are you going to let me talk? You know that-"

"I'm sorry! I tried to tell him that you were busy at the moment." _'Of course.'_

I sat up from my spot beside Andy and turned towards Sean who had barged in completely unannounced. I crossed my arms in anger and mainly frustration. "What is it?"

"I need to talk to you, Sam." I didn't even argue. I walked out of the room angrily. When we were a fair distance down the hall from Andy's room, I turned towards him. "What?"

He crossed his arms, mimicking me, probably just to show me that he was going to be just as stubborn as I was. "I need her statement," he said plainly. I muttered a coarse but word nodded, eyes closed. I knew that this was inevitable. _'Does it really have to be right now? At this very moment?'_ "I'm telling you because I know you, Sammy. And I don't want to step on your toes in the process of getting her report, but I need it. It'll be fast."

I didn't look up at him. I just raised my arm, civilly granting him entrance to the room. With a frustrated sigh, I leaned my back against the wall listening to the buzzing people of the hospital around me.

* * *

The door opened again. The hope and dread of it being Sam instantly dissipated as Officer Martin walked in.

"How are you feeling, Officer McNally?"

The calmness in his voice matched the calm expression on his face. The same on that he had on when I first saw him in the bank. "I'm fine." I cringed. _'Fine.' _He walked over the chair that Sam had previously occupied and took out a pen and paper. _'Oh... I get it.'_

"Okay Officer McNally-"

"Andy." I cut him off.

"Right. Andy. I need your statement, so just tell me everything that happened."

I began to run through the entire series of events beginning with being spontaneously partnered with Banks, willingly neglecting the reason as to why. I described how Banks and I had entered the bank, disarmed the two men present, but been outnumbered by the other men. I continued by stating that Officer Banks had called for back-up but I was forced to tell dispatch to disregard the call. Officer Martin wrote my words down furiously, but paused not far into the story. "And you weren't partnered with Officer Swarek for the day?" I shook my head 'no', bewildered as to where he was going with this. He nodded in understanding and must have starred whatever it was he wrote down. _'What is going on?'_

"That's odd. Sam said he was the first on scene when he got there. He called the hostage situation in."

My nervous eyes darted every which way. '_Calm down! There's nothing to be nervous about. You've done nothing wrong.'_

"Do you know how he knew there was something wrong? How he got there?" he asked in a somewhat accusing voice.

He must've thought I was leaving something out. And by the tone of his voice, I could tell he thought I was _purposefully_ leaving something out. What he thought my motive was to do so was unknown. I looked him in the eye, shockingly standing my ground, and said, "Why don't you ask him? All I know is I called dispatch, told them to disregard the call for back-up, and within a minute he was radioing me."

He narrowed his eyes briefly but then nodded. "Carry on." Negotiating. Bomb. Stupidly getting a worker to open the bank. That was something I could already tell I'd never be able to let go or forgive myself for. Someone, who I assumed was Sam, calling me. Negotiating with Pinky to let the children go. Officer Martin threw in another appraisal. But I disregarded it, knowing that there were so many things that I did wrong and could have - should have done. Writing my note. The phone call. I told him how that was when Viper shot me, that luckily it was only me who was injured.

"This is when I need some clarifications. What happened after you were shot?"

My recollection mainly consisted of the panic, the chaos, the disorder. The sudden turning of the status quo. The fact that it was no longer everyone versus the robbers, it was everyone versus me. I was the one that was becoming threatened. I was being a scapegoat, a victim of the dangers of panic and terror.

"Everyone was so scared. It was so hard to move. And... what happened?" I assumed that the memories were already beginning to repress themselves. "There were gun shots. Gun shots from the back room. That's why Viper left. Officers must have been coming in."

"That's right. After we heard the gunshots we started coming through the back. Then what happened?"

"Uhm... I-... Oh god." I stopped and took a deep breath to calm myself from the shakes that were taking over my entire body and the tears I could feel beginning to form.

"Pinky. H- H- He started panicking. He was acting like he was losing it, like he didn't know what to do. Like he didn't want to be there anymore. I started talking to him. He j-... He just wanted to buy a ring for his fiancée." Full-fledged tears were streaming now.

"He shot himself," Officer Martin finished for me.

As if the day's events were horrible enough the first time around, reliving them made it even worse. Between all that, I had somehow only allowed myself to break down twice. Officer Martin was nice about it, letting me pull myself together. _'I wonder how often he deals with this stuff. I wonder how often it's a cop.' _He finished writing the finishing notes then looked up at me. "Alright Andy, I think that'll be good. If you remember anything else just let me know. There were enough witnesses that I shouldn't need to consult you again." I nodded numbly in understanding. He stood up slowly and pocketed his notepad and pencil.

"Thank you, Andy. I'll send Sam back in."

* * *

The door opened quickly, somewhat startling me from the statue position that I had been in for at least five minutes. Sean stepped closer to me and said, "I need to talk to you. It's about her report." I shook my head, not really wanting to spend my time discussing her report or any report with him. I needed to be with her right now. I walked past him and boldly, and most likely regrettably, shut the door behind me after I walked into the room. My stomach churned. _'What the hell am I supposed to say?'_ For all I knew, the conversation we were previously having was done. I surmised that the conversation was done and would act accordingly unless she brought it up. With a plan organized in my mind, I forced myself to look up. Andy was staring down on her folded hands resting on her lap.

Her eyes flickered up at me when I walked in but returned rapidly to her hands. I took a seat in the chair beside her bed, keeping a distance. We sat in a silence that was only broken by the clearing of throats or sad sighs.

"When are they putting it in a sling?" I asked out of the blue.

Confusion spread across her beautiful though visually exhausted face but she replied, "In a couple of hours. They're really busy at the moment and they wanted to ice it and see if the swelling would go down a bit." I nodded in comprehension.

Silence. So much silence - something I wasn't used to around Andy. It worried me.

Silence.

"Why?"

Again, she looked up at me in confusion. "Why what?"

When they say there's no such thing as a stupid question, they're wrong. "Why do you-... Why do you kiss me and then turn away from me?"

Her jaw dropped open slightly. Granted, I would have done the same if we were in opposite positions. There was no beating around the bush, no putting it lightly, just a straight forward and simple question that I knew would probably be one of the hardest for her to answer. Her eyebrows furrowed in rumination. She let out the breath she was holding and buried her face in her hand. _'Dear god, please don't let her cry again.'_ She bolted back up and faced the opposite wall, hand over her mouth like she was trying to prevent herself from saying anything.

But I needed an answer.

"Because I...," she mumbled into her hand.

"What?"

"Because I get confused!" she repeated fiercely. "Because it's like everytime I do I just- it's just-... fuck." She paused for a minute, then continued.

"I just get so confused and it feels like I should, or something. It's like there's something inside me but then- I just-... This isn't a fair question, Sam!"

I frowned in confusion. "What do you mean?"

"Why do you kiss me back?" she snapped back at me. I fumbled through my mind for an answer.

_'Because I can't not kiss you back?'_

_'Because I'm trying to help?'_

_'Because I don't want to hurt you?'_

My mind rejected every answer - each one another lie. A lie to protect me from the damage only she was really capable of inflicting on me. Because I knew the answer. Overwhelmed by frustration, I stood up out of my chair and leaned towards her.

"That's the difference, Andy. I kiss you back because I want to kiss you back."

On that note, I left the room to give her time to think about my answer and to give me time to think about everything.

* * *

I had intended this to be longer... but this was the length it came out. Oh well.

Also, I'm telling you all that I'm about to start the third of the four weeks of summer school I have. What's this mean? It means I **definitely** won't be update within the next two weeks. I will try, homework permitted, to write up the next chapter, but I'm not making any promises. Please hang in there, though! Next one will be good!

**RxR  
MichaellaLoe  
**


	10. Malum Rêve

Hey, hey, hey!

The title of this chapter is Malum Rêve. Malum is Latin for bad and rêve, of course, is French for dream. This chapter also consists of lots of talking, lots of visits, and the word 'maybe'... a lot along with a couple of 'probably's (for reasons you may eventually pick up). And some psychology.

**Disclaimer: I do not own Rookie Blue!  
Warning: There's swearing. Like there has been in every other chapter so I'm not sure why I'm posting this now.  
**

* * *

_It was so beautiful._

_There was white and red everywhere. White chairs with red flowers. White pedestals with red bouquets. A white carpet leading up to an altar covered in large calla lilies._

_It was so beautiful._

_Everyone was there: Traci, in a flowing baby blue strapless dress, Detective Barber standing with her in his uniform. Dov, Chris, and Gail were also there in their uniforms. Oliver, Noelle, even my father. Everyone was there. The sun was shining brightly, making my skin tingle in its warmth. The plants and the grass were a vivid emerald green. I looked down at myself. I was wearing a gorgeous wedding gown - an off-white dress that hugged my body until it flared out from my knees with intricate embroidery and a short train behind me. When I looked back up, I was at the altar and Sam was there. He was in his formal police uniform watching me with a faint smile. When he outstretched a white gloved hand to me, I understood where I was and what I was doing._

_And I smiled._

_Then in the blink of an eye, the sky was dark gray. As if on cue, everyone raised a gun to their heads and a thunderstorm of 'bangs' filled my ears as everyone fell to the ground one by one until only Sam remained. He pointed the gun directly at my heart._

_"Why?" I wailed through my tears._

_"Because I want to."_

_Bang._

_My body fell backwards upon the bullet's impact. I screamed as loud as I could, but I was paralyzed and couldn't move. I saw Sam stand over me and finally raise the gun to his own head._

_The last thing I saw was my bloodstained white dress before everything faded to black._

* * *

My throat was throbbing in pain and I could faintly taste the copper taste from blood. Through the layer of sweat, I felt cold. I sobbed in terror, trying to erase the images from my mind. Kennedy rushed into the room in a panic.

"Are you alright?"

My breathing was extremely staggered which apparently was enough for her to understand.

"Nightmare?"

I wiped away the sweat from my face.

From the small amount of light peeking through the nearly fully closed window, I could tell it was at least late in the morning. Kennedy began wandering around the room, moving things to different places, checking my medical clipboard, opening the window curtains to let the light flood in and pierce my eyes.

"You're partner stopped by earlier. You were still asleep though." My head bobbed up and down, too lost in my thoughts to actually say thank you or verbally acknowledge what she had said.

_'He came back.'_ That was all that mattered to me. He had come back, possibly to sort things out. That was all that mattered.

"Anyways, the doctor will be by in a bit to check on your sling. How was the first sleep?"

When I didn't respond, half because my mind was elsewhere but also because I didn't want to be blunt and rude - sleeping with a sling was hell, she nodded and said, "The first few days are hard. You can't sleep comfortably, you can't do the same things, but eventually you'll be able to cope. Just be happy it's your left arm and not your dominant side."

And just like that, she was gone.

However, within short minutes, the doctor walked in and began bombarding me with questions and observations in the nicest manner you could bombard someone with questions and observations.

"How does the sling feel?"

"How did you sleep with the sling?"

"We're not going to operate on it."

"4 to 8 week recovery."

"You should be out in a few days."

Broken skin tissue.

Exercising the arm.

No lifting.

Back to work.

Etc., etc.

He spoke fast and in doctor terms which left me almost completely clueless. The only thing I could catch clearly was that I could go back to work in about four weeks. Of course, meaning I would be working desks the entire time for at least another three weeks. But it was better than nothing.

"We're extremely backed up so I must get going. Kennedy will take care of you."

This was an untrue statement.

By the time he had left and a nurse revisited me, it was past noon and Kennedy was off shift. Replacing her was a woman who possibly spilled burning hot coffee on herself, stubbed her toe, or was just extremely grouchy.

Or all three.

Though it wasn't really necessary to take it out on patients.

"No, the doctor is busy right now! I can't get him!" She marched out of the room like she was on a rampage.

"Water... not... Ugh." I slumped back into my bed and stared down at my hands. _'I want to be home. I want to be alone without anyone to dampen my already terrible day.'_

And then it happened out of nowhere. One of the things I had so desperately tried to avoid.

I could see the blood splatters from the impact of the bullet that hit Pinky's head. I could remember the gruesome feeling of warm thick trickles of blood on my face.

My hand shot up to my mouth. _'Don't throw up. Don't throw up,' _I repeated to myself._  
_

Save for the repetitive nightmares I kept having, I thought I had done a good job of forgetting the macabre images of the bank. This was done mainly by focusing on, and in turn, nearly destroying my personal life but it had been efficient up until now. Now I was left with nothing but my thoughts and memories. My worst fear.

I needed another distraction and I needed it soon.

My mind quickly turned to Sam, the biggest distraction I had ever encountered in my life. '_I just get so confused and it feels like I should, or something_.' How stupid was I? But then it made sense. Maybe that was why I kept pulling and pushing Sam. Because it kept me distracted from the real problem, the real thing keeping me up at night. Or maybe my problems with Sam were the only ones I could really deal with, the ones I could confront. Maybe that was why I continued to blow whatever our relationship was to pieces. It was easier than dealing with everything else. Maybe.

_'Please, just let us go!'_

_'Keep her, and let us go.'_

_'I don't want to die!'_

_'Stop, just stop talking!'_

_'She's going to get us killed.'_

_'Get up! Get up and do something!'_

Quick shuffles of footsteps came towards the door. When I looked up, Traci and Dov stood just outside my room.

"Oh my god, you're okay!" Traci shouted as she rushed in. Her arms were filled with already beginning to wilt flowers while Dov's hands were filled with various shaped balloons.

"Sorry the flowers are already dying. Boy-genius here forgot to put them in water last night. We came here but visiting hours were over. How are you?" Traci said in one breath as she set the flowers down and hugged me, albeit feebly.

Dov also ran over and gave me a hug.

"Thank god you're okay. We were all so worried. At first we had no idea who was in there. How bad were you hit? I see you're bearing the stylish sling. Can I sign it later?" Dov asked.

I let out a small, somewhat faked laugh. "You think watching was terrifying...," I trailed off.

"Has Luke visited yet?" Traci asked. I suddenly felt very bitter. He hadn't. At all. I hadn't even seen him at the bank either. _'He knows I'm in the hospital, right?'_ I shook my head no.

Dov then asked, "Has Swarek? Man, he was a mess yesterday."

_'He still is.'_ But I was intrigued as to what Dov meant so I asked, "What do you mean?"

"I mean, Chris told me that he saw him_ kick_ a squad car. I heard he almost went in, gun drawn. I also heard that he interrogated the guy in an extremely violent manner. I think that one is a rumor though. But I was waiting outside beside him for a bit. He looked sick and angry and upset all at the same time. I never imagined what a helpless Sam Swarek would look like, but yesterday I saw it. It was terrible and it made me uncomfortable, you know? There's just certain people that you know when they're worried or sad or scared, there's something extremely bad going down."

"We were all scared. I'm so relieved you're okay," Traci added in agreement despite the confused look on her face.

"When I heard gunshots. That was so scary," Dov kept going. "Oh and we brought these. There's a birthday one, but I thought the bear was pretty cute."

I told him thanks as he tied the balloons to the handle of the mini closet in the room. Traci sat down in the chair and Dov came over beside her. They told me about what was going on at 15. Boyko was forced to stay in his position as Staff Sergent until the entire matter was solved. Surely, he'd have my ass for that, but in reality I didn't care if he did.

"So what happened?" Dov asked.

Before I could reply he abruptly added, "No. Never mind. Forget I asked. That's a terrible question. You must be _so_ sick of people asking that. Uh... how have you been? No. No, that's a worse question. Uh..."

"Dov, maybe you should get coffee. It's down the hall in the cafeteria. Grab me one, okay?" Traci said with a fake, wide smile. I knew Dov was trying. Traci knew Dov was trying. _Dov_ knew Dov was trying. But we all also knew that it wasn't working.

"Yeah. Yeah, I'll go get that..." Dov trailed off.

Traci and I waited until Dov left the room before talking. I needed to talk to Traci. She was the only person I could talk to, that I could spill to and would completely understand me.

_'I need to tell her about everything. About the bank, about Luke, about Sam. Especially about Sam. I can't take it anymore and I can't bottle it up any longer.' _

I knew I had to tell her.

However, I had hoped it would be in a more eloquent manner...

"What's u-"

"I almost slept with Sam!" I blurted. _'Smooth, Andy. Smooth.'_

Her jaw dropped open as she lowered herself on to the bed. "What?" There was a distinct but smothered excitement in her voice.

"I said almost. Just hear me out. On the night of the blackout wh- when I..." I paused, running my hand over my face. _'Deep breath.'_

"Luke and I were supposed to spend the night together but he left me to work on the case at the Rec center looking for more bodies. It really tore me up and it _really_ pissed me off. So, I spent the night crying alone at my house. And I know, 'you should have called me,' but you were with Leo and I didn't want to tear you away from him. And I wasn't thinking straight that night. Or maybe I was. Probably not."

I realized I was rambling but it steered my attention away from the awkwardness that I would soon be sharing with someone else for the first time.

"Anyways, I don't know what happened because suddenly I found myself at Sam's house and then suddenly I was in his bedroom and it was like, like... Like everything was spinning and so unreal."

There was a long pause before Traci said anything. That was one of the many things I loved about Traci - she knew when to listen and she knew when to talk.

"What happened?"

"Nothing, we just kissed... a lot. And then the power came back on and then Luke called and then it was like I realized what was happening and I felt guilty and terrible and sad and, and angry and every other emotion because I fucked things up. I fucked things up with my training officer and my partner and then I got myself locked in a bank with a bomb which just made things a million times worse, and- dear God." Break down number one. Now-a-days, it seemed impossible to discuss any portion of my life without breaking down in tears mid-story.

Traci rubbed my back soothingly. "Hey, it's okay. You're okay. Everything else will work out eventually."

"No, Traci. I don't think it will. I was supposed to be partnered with Sam yesterday but he switched me off to some other cop. That's how screwed up things are. And then I nearly died. And Traci I was so scared."

"I know, I know you were. We were all scared for you. But you're okay," she repeated as she hugged me. _'Falling apart at the seams. That's what this is.'_

"The whole time I was in there, I just-... And then I messed things up even more last night." I wiped away the now shockingly cold tears that were barely sliding down my jaw line.

"Why don't I even think straight around him?" I asked Traci honestly and wholeheartedly, like she would have the answer for me.

"What do you mean?" she asked.

"We- I, I kissed him again, Traci! That's twice! I don't know why and I don't know how but it happened and it keeps screwing everything up more. And he told me not worry about it and I yelled at him because I can't not worry about it and he asked me why I kiss him and I gave him some utter bullshit answer that was based around me being stupid and in denial about something, probably."

I really needed to start making more sense but I was far too flustered to make sense.

"And I asked him why he kisses me back and he told me because he wants to and then he left..." I trailed off. My voice had gone from hyper and manic to slow and depressive, tired. Because _I_ was tired.

"I can't handle this anymore, Trace. I can't handle everything spinning out of control. I can't."

Traci wrapped her arms around me again. "It'll be okay. Have you talked to Sam since?"

"No, but apparently he came here this morning but I was asleep. He'll probably visit tonight. Or, I don't know anymore. What do I do Traci?"

"Listen to me, Andy. When you see him, you're going to work this out. But in the mean time, you need to stop beating yourself up over everything. You've been through hell with the blackout, the bank, with Sam-"

"My training officer!" I threw in as an acrid reminder.

"Andy, stop it. Stop doing this to yourself. You _need_ to _talk to him_. And you _need_ to stop _tormenting_ yourself. You're in the hospital after getting shot. You need to focus on healing and getting better. Please, just focus on yourself. You need to get better. You're no good in a state of mind like this. I know you want to fix things right now because I know you Andy, but I also know that you're tearing yourself to shreds over everything you've done, good or bad. I know you, Andy. You can fix things once you pull yourself together and get back up on your feet."

More tears cascaded down my face. Traci knew me better than I think I knew myself which in itself is a worrying thought. I was beginning to think that I didn't know myself at all. That I was living some kind of lie; fake it 'til you make it.

"Thank you, Traci." A whisper filled with gratitude and sincerity.

As if on some cue, Dov walked in with two coffees in his hand. He handed one to Traci and then talked about the cafeteria food he saw while getting the coffee. Both him and Traci started conversing about the current mess that was 15 Division. People were supposedly "running around like chickens with their heads cut off" according to Dov. Chris was still shaken up. Gail, who apparently hadn't really shown it at the time, was also fairly rattled.

"Oliver seems down too," Dov said.

"That's probably because he's spending all of his time trying to cheer up his best friend," Traci muttered under her breath to Dov and Dov alone. They turned away from each other and looked at me simultaneously. Traci's eyes shot at me and she quickly diverted the conversation elsewhere.

"I don't know how you did it. But you did a really good job. I don't know what I would have done if something worse had happened to you," she blabbered.

With an awkward nod, I stared at Traci, who fully understood my desperate and pleading look. She stood up and said, "Anyway, we should probably be on our way to the barn, actually. We'll be back later probably. I will, at least."

I smiled as widely as I could at them as they said their last 'glad you're okay's, 'get better's, and 'goodbye's. Traci walked out of the room and Dov followed her but I stopped him.

"How much did you hear?"

He whirled around looking like a deer in the headlights. "What?"

"How much did you hear?" I repeated.

He sighed, head dropping a bit. "Nothing. I mean, honestly, I can gather and draw conclusions, but I heard 'slept with him' and then did a lap around the third floor of the hospital. I swear. Scouts honor." He said as he held up three fingers.

With a nod, I replied, "I know. Besides, I trust you."

He smiled and turned to leave but froze on spot. After slight hesitation, he turned to me and said, "Hey McNally. You saved all those people's lives. I know you're probably feeling hard on yourself, but you did an amazing job. Just thought you should know."

With that, he smiled again and left.

For the next while I tried to find a way to efficiently kill time. I counted tiles. I sang songs in my head. I raided my room. I even walked around the hospital which pissed Gretchen the nurse off probably even more than she already appeared to be. She yelled, forced me back into my bed, dropped a tray of food on my lap and walked away, slamming the door shut.

It had to have been at least a solid fifteen minutes before my staredown with hospital food came to a stop. The door opened and I sat in shock. My dad took a cautious step into the hospital room.

"Oh, Andy. You're okay! I was so worried. Where were you hit?"

It took me a moment to respond. "My shoulder... Dad. What? How did you...?"

"Sweetheart, I'm so sorry. They left messages on the phone. I didn't get them because, well... you know." I did know. I knew it the moment he walked in, which is why I was still in shock. He was likely out cold when he received those calls. "Sam came by."

And then I swore I felt my heart break slightly.

"Oh?" I said with a quivering lip that I tried desperately to hide.

"He woke me up, told me what happened. If he hadn't stopped by, I probably wouldn't have even known yet. I'm so sorry, Andy. It made me realize something. Which is why I'm going to a meeting today. What if you weren't just injured, and Sam hadn't come by, I wouldn't have even known what happened to my little girl!"

I swallowed guiltily. "Uhm, when? When did he show up?" I squeaked.

"This morning. Andy, I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry."

With a numb nod, I replied, "I know, dad. I know."

"I can't believe- how did this happen?" he inquired. As much as I loved my dad and as much as I appreciated him being with me, I truly couldn't stand to tell this story again.

I looked down at my hands and noted how odd it was that my left hand was freezing cold but my right hand was not. "I don't really want to talk about it right now, dad. I don't think I can."

He nodded and understood completely which I was grateful for. He deviated the conversation elsewhere by asking me when I would get the sling off. We planned to go for lunch next week. He told me about the first time he was shot. Which apparently was in the thigh, but I would have been too young to actually remember. He then told me countless stories from my childhood; my first day of school, the one and only time I went to a zoo, about the blue dress that I used to always wear. Part of me had forgotten what it was like spending time with my dad when he was sober. I had missed it. I missed not feeling anger discontentment. I really hoped that he would stick to meetings, that the bank fiasco and my nearly dying had woken him up and pushed him.

_'Sometimes all you need is that push._'

I had spent a few hours with my dad before he left, promising me he'd tell me how the meeting went tomorrow. After that, I tried to take a nap but Gretchen woke me up because it was important for her to know if "I was feeling pain" while I was trying to sleep.

A while later Traci returned after her shift was over. Upon my request, we avoided the topic of Sam. Instead she gave me a picture that Leo drew, though neither of us were sure on what the drawing was of. Nevertheless, I appreciated it. She told me about the everyday lunatics she had encountered while on shift. Such stories included a man lighting a single piece of grass on fire, putting it out and repeating. Twenty minutes later, she left and I forced myself to try and sleep.

But sleep I did not.

After another walk around the hospital, in a desperate attempt to find some time killing entertainment, I grabbed a handful of self-help pamphlets. When I returned to my room, I sat down and tossed the serious and not entertaining ones onto the floor, because I was lazy and didn't care but also because it was my revenge on Gretchen.

After educating myself on ADD/ADHD, perfectionism, phobias I tried to fall back asleep again. _'With all that pleasant stuff in my head, it'll be impossible to sleep now... That was well thought out.'_ I thought sarcastically.

After about twenty minutes of staring at the ceiling in the darkness, the door slowly creaked open, blaring in the silence. I raised my head enough to see a silhouette in the bright light that painfully stabbed my eyes. I needed more pain medication...

"You awake, McNally?"

I propped myself up with my right arm. Sam hesitantly walked into the room but my eyes were too unadjusted to the new light exposed to them to clearly see his face. To see if he was tired or mad or frustrated. "How did you get in here? It's past twelve o'clock." He sat down beside me on the bed as per usual, but this time he sat perpendicular to me, making sure my eyes didn't meet his. _'Bad sign.'_ The light his the profile of his face enough for me to see him grin.

"Flashed the badge. That nurse, Kennedy, she let me in. I think she likes me."

I laughed, even though it came out more as a scoff. "You and nurses...," I trailed off.

"It was once!" he said, slightly outraged, but there was still a grin on his face. "I can't help it if nurses fall for me. A lot of women-" My eyes shot up at his which were staring back at me. He nodded, internally dismissing the topic, and gazed back towards the wall.

_'It's now or never. Man up, McNally!'_ I sat up and cleared my throat quietly.

"Sam, I think we need to talk. Like, _really_ talk." He stared opening his mouth to reply and based on the grin that remained on his face, it wasn't the type of response I was looking for. "And don't say that we are talking because you know that's not what I mean."

He shifted to face me but he kept his gaze downwards. _'Now we're getting somewhere.'_ "No, I know, Andy. I know. It's just, I don't think I can-"

"Remember, the last time we put off talking, I ended up in bank strapped to a bomb," I snapped.

His eyes shot up at me with a fiery rage that I was almost certain was going to burn through my skin. "Jesus Christ, Andy! You think I don't know that? You don't think the fact that I abandoned my partner has been plaguing me every waking moment since? Because it has."

Our eyes locked, scrutinizing each other until the intensity was too much for me to keep up. I let my eyes fall back onto the bed.

"Are you ever going to let me say what I have to say?" he asked. "This is the reason I don't think I can _talk_ everything out right now, Andy. You're lying in a hospital bed because I left you. Because I am not in the right mindset to talk about this. It's not because I don't care, Andy. I do care. More than I think you know. It's because I care that I can't sit here with you in a hospital talking about something so important because I know I'll blow up or say the wrong thing and I don't want to risk that. I don't want to risk..." He hesitated and choked over the right words.

"I don't want to risk losing you, Andy."

_'Damn it! Stop crying, McNally!'_ In the back of my mind, I pondered whether or not a person could physically run out of tears to cry. But it didn't matter because I certainly hadn't as I sat there, tears streaming down my face.

Traci was right.

Sam was right.

_'You're the one who's wrong here.'_

My head bobbled up and down as I pursed my lips, trying to prevent, or at least stall, another full blown break down. Then I leaned forward, wrapped my arm around him_,_ and hugged him. Like he was the only thing keeping me alive. Like he was the only thing keeping me from fading into oblivion.

I wanted to reciprocate his words, but I couldn't speak. With his arms around me, I just cried into my greatest source of comfort I'd had in the past two weeks until I eventually fell asleep.

* * *

_There was white and red everywhere. White chairs with red flowers. White pedestals with red bouquets. A white carpet leading up to an altar covered in large calla lilies._

_It was so beautiful._

_'Not again...'_

* * *

Obviously, Andy has still got some denial going on, some displacement/reactive displacement (I'm forgetting psychology terms).

So much talking! So much talking in that chapter. I don't like talking. I like thoughts and actions. Oh well. This was only half of the original chapter 10. I decided to split it into two about half way through but it still ended up pretty long. Sorry it took so long. School. Being utterly upset and depressed about the episode The One That Got Away... You know how it is.

If you see any mistakes, please point them out so I can fix them! Greatly appreciated.

**RxR  
****MichaellaLoe**_**  
**_


	11. Realizations

Hello all!

First off, I want to thank you all for your reviews (for those of you who did review) and also for your patience. I know that I've been working on this story for a, somewhat embarrassingly, long year and a bit, but I'm truly grateful that you are still here reading it.

Second, I know this chapter is short and that it's taken so long. It was originally going to be part of the last chapter but I didn't want it that long.

**Disclaimer: I do not own Rookie Blue.**

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I squirmed in my spot. The sling was still bothering me. _'I really need to get out of here. I want to go home.'_

Mainly I just wanted to sleep. For once. I was running on sporadic ten minutes sleeps. Anything longer than that would result in a horrendous nightmare and a regret of even trying to sleep.

Luckily, there was not much for one to do alone in the hospital that required an adequate amount of sleep.

As if he heard my plea of boredom and loneliness, Sam walked into the room carrying a single gerber daisy in one hand, a cup of coffee in the other, and a book tucked under his right arm. He held out the flower, holding it by the stem. "For you," he said jubilantly. It was bright magenta in the center with white tips. I looked from the flower to him in surprise.

"What is this for?"

He rearranged himself, grabbing the book with his now free hand and setting it on the desk beside my bed. Before he sat down, I asked him to help me sit up because there was nothing more uncomfortable than having a conversation with someone sitting beside you while you lie on your back. Especially since I wanted to actually see him. Two days off the job and I already was getting restless and missing it. I missed even just sitting there in the passenger seat, conversing about nothing in particular. He set his cup of coffee down, another thing that I was rather starting to miss, and sat me up.

"You okay? Jesus, Andy, have you slept at all?" he asked after sitting beside me.

He, probably obliviously, wiped my bangs away from my face and ran his thumb over the dreadful dark circles I imagined were framing my eyes. I gave him a suppressed afflicted smile. We agreed to talk about everything later, when I was out of the hospital, when he was ready, when I was ready. In the mean time though, I would have to endure whatever small pains I felt; it was like living a lie.

"Yeah, I'm fine."

He cracked a grin. "Of course you are."

"Seriously though, why the flower? It's beautiful by the way." I held it up for closer inspection. Around the yellow center, the white ring was spotted with patches of pollen. He grinned at me again like a completely euphoric child.

"Thought you could use some cheering up. I know you hate being cooped up." I nodded, returning my eyes to the flower. It was brilliant in its simplicity. It's lively color. It's openness, stretching out like it was going to engulf you in what could easily pass as the epitome happiness. I smiled. When I looked up, Sam was inclined towards me, leaning on his right arm, chin resting on his shoulder, and his head was tilted slightly. His deep brown eyes were glued on me, filled with allure.

Our eyes locked in mutual care, with lingering remnants of want, need, love. _'Or maybe that's just me.'_

"I love it Sam. Thank you so much."

He reached over to the table and grabbed the book her brought. "Got this for you as well." I set the flower on my lap and grabbed the book with my right hand. _The Book of Awesome_. After moving the book to grip it in my left hand, I began flipping through it. With each passing page, I slowly understood the point of the grocery-list style book. It was also miraculous in its simplicity.

I stopped on number 421 - 'Singing the guitar solo' and let out a loud laugh at the truthfulness.

"What?" he inquired.

"This book just lists awesome things, and this one is 'singing the guitar solo.' I do that all the time!"

He smirked happily, but his expression dropped slightly as he said, "It's been a while since I've heard you really laugh."

With a hint of sadness, my mind rewound in attempts to remember the last time I laughed even was. It failed to come to me, but I dismissed the sadness of that fact and replied, "I'm laughing now. Thanks to you." I smiled wide, trying to brighten his spirits. When his eyes met mine, I held up the book, hiding my face so that my eyes were peering over the spine. "Wanna go through it? Do you have time?"

"Unless I get a call," he said delightedly.

"Pick a number."

That call he spoke of didn't take very long at all.

Within about ten minutes, dispatch radioed saying that there was a disturbance within the area. Then just like that, he was off. Before he left, he told me he would come back after his shift was done. So it was up to me to find a way to kill time until then.

After I flipped through a few more pages of the book in my hand, I got lost in my thoughts.

For the first time in so long, I had felt calm- _'Er. Calmer.' _I felt somewhat normal. _'_

_That's promising. The only way for me to feel normal is to disregard all serious aspects of my life and the relationships within it. Promising.'_

I wondered when everything would get back to normal. Like, really normal. For a brief moment, I tried to remember what "normal" was like. _'I suppose it depends on the definition of normal. Normal for most people would be an office job, nice house, a good marriage, kids, and white picket fences, right?' _I laughed internally.

_'That'll never happen.'_

Normal for me, it seemed, was a time consuming and life endangering job, a small apartment, and messed up relationships. _'That's Andy McNally Normality,'_ I thought to myself sourly.

On the other hand, did I really want all those things. Sure, a nice house and kids are good, but was that typical dream life a life I really wanted? It seemed too ideal to the point that it seemed unrealistic. Fake. 'I_t makes me think of how life with Luke would turn out. Minus the job part.' _Fake. Was that the road my life was headed down?

It was a long time before the door was opened loudly, inelegantly, shaking me from my introspection.

My heart fluttered and went into double of time at the sight blonde hair. Not in excitement, not in happiness, not in relief. In worry. Worry about what he didn't know - or rather, what he knew, _if_ he knew.

Did anyone know? Did someone notice the fact that Sam was always gone somewhere even during work? Or was I creating biased patterns that didn't really exist? That only I knew because I was a part of it. On the other hand, was there really anything to know? A police officer was visiting his partner in the hospital. It was when you looked between the lines that things got risky. A training officer who was visiting his rookie with whom he almost slept with and may or may not have feelings for. The very rookie who was dating a detective from the same division. And that very detective was right there.

So naturally, when he walked in, my eyes widened, my jaw dropped, and my heart faltered in panic.

"Luke! What are you doing here?"

He had a dozen red roses in one hand and a heart shaped box in the other. "Came to visit you. I would have been by earlier, but I've been working non-stop." _'Of course you have.'_ "The good news is that the charges are down for each and every one of those guys. As many charges as we could get. They won't be back on the streets again."

I stared forward, eyes glazed over. "That's... Good. I don't really... care about the charges right now, Luke."

"Who got you this?" he laughed slightly as he pointed at the daisy sitting in a styrofoam cup. He set the bouquet of roses on my lap and the box on the table. Without thought, as if he was on autopilot, he pulled up the chair and sat down, rambling on about charges and work and the flowers. As per usual, ignoring any hint of anger or disappointment I felt which in turn angered and upset me more. "Guylian. You like those, right? Those little chocolate seashells that really taste like any other chocolate, not that you will ever admit it," he laughed at his own joke. I gazed up at him with a look of disbelief that slowly turned into a glare.

"Luke. It isn't Valentine's Day. I'm in the hospital. After getting shot. In an armed robbery." My voice was drenched in bitterness.

He frowned at me and sat forward. "What's wrong?"

He was pulling at the very last straws: the last straws of my patience, but more importantly, the last straws of our relationship. "What's _wrong_? Luke! I've been in the hospital for nearly three days! Three days! You're almost the only person who hasn't visited me yet. Gail has even stopped by. But you, you're my boyfriend. Three days, Luke. That's not-... Never mind."

"I tried calling."

I laughed a maniacal sarcastic laugh. "_You tried calling_. I'm not in another province, Luke. I'm in the hospital! Besides, my phone is dead. For all I knew, you weren't even aware I was in the hospital!" I could feel all my nerves fraying and sparks of anger were going through me.

"Andy, calm down. I'm sorry. I was doing my job."

And that was all it took.

Those were the only words I needed to hear.

And suddenly it all made sense. It hit me like a thousand bricks.

I nodded at him, frozen and still staring blankly forward, and said. "Y-... you should go."

"Andy! What's-" he started.

"Just go," I repeated more forcefully. He started saying my name again, but I didn't care or listen. "Go!" I shouted. He immediately stood up out of the chair and marched towards the door, crossly. After whipping the door open, he walked out, slamming the door shut violently without as much as a second glance. A sob ripped from my throat. In a fit of shame and rage and sorrow, I gripped the bouquet by the stems and threw it at the door with as much force as I could. I took pleasure in watching the petals burst in a raincloud of red. It temporarily eased the overwhelming embarrassment.

My mind was racing: _'Who can be so careless?,' 'I should have seen this coming,' 'I'm going to have to clean those petals up somehow,' 'I turned Sam away for this.'_

Between my endless tears, I reached over to the table and grabbed the telephone.

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"Let me get this straight, you called saying that someone had stolen a necklace-"

"A one thousand dollar necklace," she clarified.

I sighed and continued, "A one thousand dollar necklace. And now you're saying you just found it." The woman nodded naively. "Okay. I'm just going to leave then. Next time, please don't make a call like that until you know for sure."

_'Is it a full moon tonight? Or is it Friday the 13th? Because this day just keeps getting more and more ridiculous.'_ It was only 3:20, and I was already exhausted from the day's work. I got back in my squad car and sighed in the silence. Another day riding alone. Granted, I preferred that to having any of the other rookies with me. I just couldn't find the mental and physical capability of dealing with them at the time. They were no replacements for Andy. She was truly my one and only rookie.

My cellphone rang loudly in the silence.

"Swarek."

I could barely understand her words through her soft crying. _"Sam?"_

"Andy, what's wrong? What happened?" There was a slight undertone of panic in my voice. I started the car and instantly began driving towards the hospital.

There was silence on the other side of the phone except sniffling and ragged breathing. _"Are you busy?"_

"Andy, I'm on my way, okay? I'll be there in a few minutes."

_"Okay,"_ she said softly. I hung up the phone and grabbed my radio. "Dispatch, this is 15-14 with a 10-7." I thought for a moment, and added, "B." I figured there was no point in lying. I was going out of service for a completely personal reason, surely dispatch wouldn't care. _'Just hope Best doesn't find out.'_

And then, as if I wasn't already somewhat abusing my power, I flicked on the lights and proceeded to speed past everyone on the street.

Within short minutes, I was speed walking into the hospital without a second thought as to where I was going. I turned down the final hallway, passing a nurse who's name I failed to remember and shot me a bewildered look that I paid no attention to. I opened the door to Andy's room and hurried in but paused, looking down at the puddle of red flower petals I was standing in. I looked back up at her to see that she was still crying.

I continued forward and sat on the side of her bed. "Andy! What's wrong?"

She opened her mouth to speak, staring towards the corner of the room with a cynical look in her eye. "I made a mistake."

My eyebrows furrowed in confusion. "What?"

"Luke stopped by," she started, pausing to wipe tears off her face. _'"Luke stopped by". Luke was here. They were talking. Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit.'_

"He brought a bouquet of roses and a heart shaped box of chocolates like it was valentine's day or something. The first thing he told me was that everyone was getting charges against them. Like that's what I cared about! I've been in the hospital for three- two... God, I don't even know! But he hasn't seen or talked to me until today. When I told him that upset me, he said he was sorry and that he was _doing his job_. I just don't get-" she broke off, burying her face in her hand. Something, I mentally noted, I had seen her do far too many times of late. A thought then occurred to me.

"You know what hurts, Andy?"

She looked up me with glassy eyes. I swallowed somewhat nervously but continued.

"It hurts to watch you pour your heart into something and truly care about someone and watch you get completely crushed by him in the end. Okay, I watched you when you were supposed to be keeping an eye on Benny. When you first lost him, I knew you were worried and panicked because you lost a witness with evidence. But I saw you change, I knew you truly cared for him. And he lost his life trying to help and it was wasn't fair. And you were hurt. And all Luke wanted was his god damned bullet. The same thing happened during the blackout. You were a mess. And in your own right, you had shot and killed someone that day. And where was he? Digging up more bodies for a case he wasn't even part of, leaving you alone. Now this! Every time, Andy. It hurts to watch Luke pick his job over you. It hurts you and that hurts me. It's like you can't separate yourself from him and he can't separate himself from his job."

She was looking down, tears pouring down her cheeks, and she had a terrible expression etched across her face. A mix of pain, sadness, frustration, and brokenness. She looked sick. A sob tore from her throat and she collapsed forward into my chest.

She said five brief words before weeping incessantly in my arms.

"I need you so much."

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Not my favorite chapter. It was more than half written when I last stopped so coming back to it, naturally, I dislike a lot about it, but I'm just keeping it anyways because it's easier that way. On a happier note (maybe) this story is winding down! About two more chapters if it all goes according to plan. Which would be nice. And a first. Two chapters and an epilogue is probably how it'll go.

If there's any spelling mistakes/other errors please let me know!

**RxR  
MichaellaLoe  
**


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